Floating in the Sea of Make Believe...

Hey... I know, I know... I've been MIA lately, eh? Actually, in case anyone has been wondering where I disappeared to - I've been trying NOT to deal with reality in any way at all.

I've been reading fan fiction and that's about it - once in a while an email, too. I've basically been ignoring anything "real" because I cannot deal with reality anymore. I don't really care about very much right now, including that the vision in my left eye was recently confirmed to be pretty much leaving me forever. Bye bye left eye! I have known it was going for years and haven't really even told anyone IRL about that one and don't even think I've mentioned it on the vision forum I'm on... and have not been really telling anyone much of anything else lately, either. This is where I lay out most of my thoughts and I haven't even been on here!

So, instead, I have been just floating around in a sea of make-believe instead, dealing with the things in the real world only as I absolutely HAVE to. Of course there is much in the way of day-to-day stuff with the kids and family that are on that "HAVE TO" list... but anything beyond that I'm ignoring.

Any time I start thinking about anything serious, I suddenly get into this deep depression about how disgusting and old I am, so I have retreated into another world instead. Real life sucks! I guess my birthday coming up hasn't helped any of this either. When DH started getting his bd cards in the mail yesterday (his is 3 days before mine), I decided I'm throwing out all my cards when they come in - and I am NOT going to answer the phone on Sunday at all. So there! If I ignore my birthday, that means it didn't happen, right?????

It probably is not very good for me, or for anyone else to be honest, but that is the way it is for me right now.

Oh yeah, I should probably let you know that the family weekend thing went pretty well, surprisingly. I was only completely humiliated twice. Amazing!!! Nobody came here, but I did manage to get the house in order and have even managed to keep it almost as nice as it was that weekend. Wow!

Hope you, my friends, are doing well.

A complete embarassment

Hello, haven't been on here in a while. Too busy and messed up in the head to read or write.

I have come to the conclusion that I am a complete embarrassment to all who know me. I would much rather stay in my house and see no one since I am of little use other that to provide a source of gossip and disgrace. THAT is my use to the world. I guess if some are having a good time ragging on me, then I have served some purpose in life. The only reason my husband stays with me is because he feels an obligation since he agreed to have children (though, less than a year after they were born, he told me he regretted it... yes, people, he had told me that he only agreed to have children to avoid losing me since he knew that is what I wanted - and now wishes he had just let me go)

That being said, I am expected to go out to dinner this weekend since BIL is coming in from Houston, TX. I am sure the entire family is hoping I will get sick and stay home, though I must be well enough to clean the house this week so it must be a last minute illness. I'm absolutely sure none of them want to be seen in public with me. Maybe I should fake an illness? But I cannot lie... so I won't... but the way my stomach has been acting lately I might be sick anyway (I think I have IBS now, wonderful). Most of them will completely ignore me, as usual, so I will be very quiet and not make them embarrassed on that front, but just the sight of me - to be seen with me - is an ebarrassment. Ah... I will try to keep a few paces behind them when walking I guess... but they cannot avoid sitting with me.

Plus... my entire in-law family is still pissed off at me from the last time he visited when he called last minute and asked if he could come over... and I said it would be inconvenient for him to come over since I had been very sick for months (and still was) and my house was a complete wreck and I had to get the kids ready to go to MIL's house later in the day. This was in June I think, so you may remember it in my blog (if I posted about it). I had not realized this was still an issue until this past Saturday when it was brought up again.

I have been so depressed that I have not done much housework at all in months. To be honest, I don't think the clutter from June was ever put away and since then it has become much worse! This is positively the worst condition this house has ever been in, and I have very little enthusiasm to do it now... but I will. Maybe I will feel better if the house is in order. The psychologist thinks I don't need to take an antidepressant anymore - she should come to see the condition of my house!

Off I go to clean and organize. Where am I to find the will to do this???

I'm sick and my mom has to move... anyone know anything about cats?

Now, just as I was starting to feel better from the stomach virus and dizziness, I caught DH's cold/flu/whatever it is. D1 has it too. DS and D2 don't have it yet but I'm sure they will get it.

I had to write to all the teachers and tell them why I did not go to the "meet the teacher" night Thursday - I could barely stand by that time. Today I woke up and now it is in my chest, heaven help us.

Asthma + chest cold = BAD thing

I HAVE TO GO TO MY MOTHER'S HOUSE ON SUNDAY AND HELP MOVE ON MONDAY!

I HAVE to be better tomorrow. The kids all have to be better by then.

We MUST be able to say goodbye to the house (my "HOME", the only refuge I had as a kid, the only safe place I had that I wasn't torn apart by brutal verbal abuse while growing up, the only place I could be safe to cry about how nasty the kids were to me, the only place love and kindness existed for all those years) and help my mother pack up her last minute stuff and move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DH has to take apart her computer and TV stuff and put it all back together again in the new place.

I cannot be sick. The kids cannot be sick. I have to help her. I promised. She has nobody else to help.

Why couldn't the viruses wait till October?????? Why did it all have to start the instant school started?

I have to be better by Sunday. The kids all have to be better by Sunday. Period.

And, at the same time, I'm having problems with a neighborhood, outdoor cat... and it is driving me completely insane.

I know nothing about cats... Do you know how to get rid of a cat that is hanging around the outside of my house, scratching at the doors and yowling constantly (all day, all night) to come in? It sounds like a baby crying, if what it sounds like makes a difference.

My front storm door is all scratched up now - at least the back one is metal and she does not seem to like to scratch that one lol. It follows us from room to room and sits at the window yowling at the top of it's lungs, even keeping us awake at night. I am just about ready to go insane!!!

I don't understand this cat at all. She has never been inside my house, why does she want to come in?

It is an outdoor cat (which should not expect to come in, right?) that the kids pet a few times, unfortunately. It must have followed their scent home. I told them they are no longer allowed to pet the cat - and it's been 3 days since they did (they have not even been outdoors in the past 36 hours), but this cat won't go away! I've tried scaring it, but that only makes it back up, not go away. I'm afraid it might not be eating or drinking anything at this point since it never leaves.

Is this normal behavior or should I be worrying this cat has rabies?

6 more days...

My mom is moving in 6 days.

6 days left for the house that I grew up in.

6 days left for the house my dad lived in.

6 days left for the address that I have written so many times.

6 days left for the phone number I grew up with.

6 days left.

OMG... OMG...

I am not doing well.

Musical instruments this year...

We have to go to the music store to get the kids' instruments. DD1 is going to learn the clarinet. DS got the drums, which he is thrilled about (DH plays). DD2 is going to learn the violin.

I have put off going to the music store to get the instruments and supplies all week... using my illness as an excuse. It is a good excuse, I could barely make it to drop them off and pick them up at school. But now I'm doing better enough to stay away from a bathroom for an hour or so... and I know today we should go.

But I'm in a complete panic any time the kids ask me about it. I have to do this, I know... but...

Why am I in a panic about this? Why do I feel like the world will end if DD2 plays the violin? This is totally irrational. I feel like there is guaranteed death for her just around the corner if I allow this.

Yes, some rosins have pistachio nuts in it, but I won't let her get that one. I will get her the hypoallergenic one. And I'm even getting her a new violin just to make sure there is no residue on it.

So... what is the problem here?

Quote of the day

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does.
Christopher Morley (1890-1976)

DS and anxiety

Ugh... I am feeling sick to my stomach. I was just about to go food shopping - boy am I glad I did not go! I obviously need to stay here at the computer, 3 steps away from the bathroom!!!

Maybe it is stress...

DS is having a very difficult time right now. I don't know what to do at this point. He is crying a lot, saying he misses me too much at school and that he wants to be home schooled! He cried once at school so far, but the past 2 days (including today) he cried half the morning and was still crying on his way in to the building. I called his psychiatrist (pdoc)... maybe his meds need increasing. We were just there a couple of days before school started and all was well, but the added stress of being in school is obviously too much for him.

I would really hate to home school for many reasons.

The kids don't listen to me when I try to teach them something (well... they don't listen much at other times, too, lol). They have meltdowns, especially DS (GADS!), when I try to teach something new - screaming, flailing, crying, throwing himself around on the floor or runs up to his bed and does it there, or locks himself into the bathroom. Now, how on earth could I be able to expect him to learn anything in that condition?

He also needs the social contact. He needs to learn how to get along in the world, how to deal with people... and *I* am not the person to teach him those skills, that's for sure!

But - his crying and whining at school is not going to help him deal with people, it is only going to get him bullied.

I know everyone is probably thinking I reinforce this behavior, but I've analyzed and analyzed and I know I am not reinforcing it. I walk away when he starts crying. I hate walking away - it is probably one of the most difficult things for me to do. But I have to, because he even tells me that he wants my attention when he is crying. I give him attention when he is NOT crying instead. So, why is this behavior continuing???

I know his sister reinforces it, and I have told her time and time again not to. She has been good about it the past few days, though.

I know his teacher reinforced it when he cried at school the other day. But he also got negative reactions from the rest of the class, and was very aware of it - plus I explained that, even through it is not *right*, the other boys his age (9 yrs old) are going to start teasing him about this soon, if not this year.

I know, with autism, emotions are very hard to control. People in general think people with autism do not feel emotions, but they do... it is all or nothing though. Emotions are so intense that they are completely overwhelming. People with autism self-learn how to control themselves by cutting themselves off from others in various ways because it is just too painful to deal with overwhelming emotions ALL the time!

It is very much like being over sensitive to sensory information - overwhelming or find a way to cut yourself off (or undersensitive and the person goes to extremes to find a way to feel something just to know you exist).

The key is getting the intervention, the help, to deal with all this without having to go to extremes.

And I know I am NOT the person to help my kids with this stuff. I did all I could so far... but at this point - well I did the self-learning thing... and found my own ways of dealing.. and they are not very helpful. I'm a complete failure at life and mixing with neurotypicals - an anxious waste-case who, I am told, anxiety just rolls off me and through others when I enter a room.

What can I teach them, to be like me??? NO!!! That is not good. I am trying so hard to AVOID them being like me!!!

So, being home with me is NOT the answer here.

The pdoc just called back, we are increasing the Prozac starting tonight, and I have to call her on Monday. Wish us luck that he can get through the day without a problem tomorrow.