Co-dependency

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive....



They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it.

It just so happens that a co-dependent "friendship" (aka: the girl) was broken off for me (thankfully) by her caretakers in February 2009. They blocked my email address after I told a mutual friend some passing thoughts that I was just venting so I could move past them (which a did ALL THE TIME without this response ever before), but she took as permanent views for some unknown reason, then would not believe me - very hard to explain - I was very depressed and venting to the other person.

There was also a problem between her caretakers, the girl and myself - they insulted me beyond any hope of explanation and/or forgiveness. The girl I could have forgiven, but I never would have forgiven the caretakers... and I never would have forgotten what happened. Things never would have been the same with the girl, to be honest. I was also venting to the other person about these problems and how I felt about what happened... and she told the caretakers what I said.

Then, through a fault of my own (I forwarded a joke with their addresses on it - learned my lesson there!), the other person began emailing my husband and mother! She took some of those venting emails I wrote, picked sentences and phrases completely out of context, added some of her own words, deleted some of mine - all to make them sound oh so much more worse than they originally were... then forwarded this stuff to them in what looked like one message written by me. It made me sound horrible!!! I can only imagine that she had sent similar things to the girl's caretakers.

I was surprised that, after the initial anger, it was a relief to have them block me!

I'm not exactly sure it was a typical co-dependent situation and it was not truly one-sided, she did give a lot back... but that last sentence quoted above really 'hits home'.

the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it

I did not realize how trapped I felt until it was all over and I felt FREE!!! I had not realized how much anxiety this situation had been creating for me till it was over.

It felt even better once I deleted every reference to all of them (both the girl and the other person and the caretakers... oh and all the girl's doctors and nurses) from my computer and in my life. They had sent me a few gifts which I have thrown away or given away to charities. Every file that had anything to do with either of them have been deleted. I stopped going to any forum that I knew they went to, etc.

For a while I saved the police statements in case they were ever needed, but then recently I deleted them too. No police officer or judge ever made direct contact with me, though I had asked them to, and quite frankly expected them to after all that happened... so it all could have been a lie.

Or maybe I was secretly investigated and have an FBI and Interpol file somewhere, LOL. (Well, actually, if any of the girl's story was true, that probably is true, too. For all I know, they are reading this now. Hello! if you are! lol)

It began as a regular friendship... suddenly became helping her through a very 'rough time' (so bad that nobody would even believe what happened to her if her story had been made as a horror movie or novel - it is true horror of the worst kind) and helped her make statements for police investigators... then it continued and continued - things kept getting worse and horrible things kept happening to her.

It got to the point where I could not even choose to take a day off from the routine for fear she would freak out and bad things would happen as a result since she was depending on my presence to talk her through much needed daily medical procedures. I had to write an email in the morning and be on chat at 7:50PM every night, with very few exceptions. She was moderately autistic, and her extreme need for routine, plus an extreme fear of abandonment, did not help this... and her situation was such that I did not want to be the CAUSE any further problems in her life.

Sometimes I did not believe she, nor the things that happened to her, were real, and thought it might all be some cyber-hoax... but I could never repeat here any of what she told me in case it is real, because supposedly she is in a "witness protection program". Since I think in pictures, every time she would tell me another part of what happened it would make sort-of movies in my head. I have been having flashbacks of these things that happened to someone else for years now.

It would really piss me off if someone someday told me that the whole thing was someone's sick imagination... though in a way, I guess it would provide a bit of relief if I knew that the horrible things that happened to her never really did happen. I find it very odd, though, that NONE of what supposedly happened to her never ended up in any media coverage anywhere in two different countries... though there were lots of excuses I made to myself through the years to explain that away - because THAT is what co-dependent people DO.

Unfortunately, I brought the other person into this situation early on because I realized the subject area of part of what happened to her was outside of my experience and this other person had some personal experience in these matters. I still feel guilty that I brought her in... and feel guilty that I left her in the situation without me as a back-up anymore (if she wasn't part of a whole scam thing)... and feel guilty that in order to make a full break from the co-dependent 'friendship', I needed to break from her, too... because the two of them became one entity in my mind - single but bonded so tightly that I could no longer write to one without thinking of the other. Even 6 months later, I cannot think of one name without the other being tacked on to the end, as if the two names are now one.

At the end, too - well she proved to be less of a friend than I thought she was all those years... she suddenly doubted every word I was saying and would not believe me anymore, in addition to the things I wrote above. I felt I didn't know her anymore.

It got so bad that I began wondering of both of these people were part of a cyber-hoax together, though I knew one for years before I met the other and did not meet them in the same cyber-place. It made it easier to break off all contact with her, as well, when she had become like a completely different person there at the end. I do not believe that relationship was co-dependent... but since it was linked to the one that was, I had to end that one, too.

I had locked these memories away for the past few months, but lately I've been feeling a little guilty. What if all this really was real and my leaving caused them both some major problems?

But, I really don't see how I could have helped that since the caretakers were the ones who blocked me, right? *I* did not do anything except block the other person afterwards. So, I should never feel guilty about anything that happened no matter what it was that happened. And I will probably never know.

So, this is being written to close that file in my head forever.

I vow to myself I will never feel guilty about this again!

(Might as well try that favorite color thing again, right?)