Too much

There is too much going on here. I wish I could not be me. Between school starting and getting emails from the teachers a few times a day to straighten things out, problems popping up about school, the kids freaking out with all the changes life holds right now with the beginning of a new school year, my problems with change, problems with my mom's sale/purchase of living arrangements (looks like she is going to be homeless by the end of the month), Sept 11th and all the flashbacks I have about that, and now right in the middle of all this I have realized that DH doesn't care about me anymore. I don't know why that last one popped up right now. The signs have been there for years now that I look back - I just didn't want to see them I guess... but why did I realize this right now? It is making life a lot harder. I cannot blame him really; I cannot be angry at him for this, or disappointed in him... or anything else. What is there to care about? Nothing. I am nothing but disgusting. I am nothing. I go through brief moments of wishing I was dead but within a half a second I realize that I cannot do that to the kids. What would become of them? It would not be a good situation to leave any of them in. So, almost instantly I change my mind. I cannot even be bothered with struggling to paragraph this so sorry for it being all one.