A complete embarassment

Hello, haven't been on here in a while. Too busy and messed up in the head to read or write.

I have come to the conclusion that I am a complete embarrassment to all who know me. I would much rather stay in my house and see no one since I am of little use other that to provide a source of gossip and disgrace. THAT is my use to the world. I guess if some are having a good time ragging on me, then I have served some purpose in life. The only reason my husband stays with me is because he feels an obligation since he agreed to have children (though, less than a year after they were born, he told me he regretted it... yes, people, he had told me that he only agreed to have children to avoid losing me since he knew that is what I wanted - and now wishes he had just let me go)

That being said, I am expected to go out to dinner this weekend since BIL is coming in from Houston, TX. I am sure the entire family is hoping I will get sick and stay home, though I must be well enough to clean the house this week so it must be a last minute illness. I'm absolutely sure none of them want to be seen in public with me. Maybe I should fake an illness? But I cannot lie... so I won't... but the way my stomach has been acting lately I might be sick anyway (I think I have IBS now, wonderful). Most of them will completely ignore me, as usual, so I will be very quiet and not make them embarrassed on that front, but just the sight of me - to be seen with me - is an ebarrassment. Ah... I will try to keep a few paces behind them when walking I guess... but they cannot avoid sitting with me.

Plus... my entire in-law family is still pissed off at me from the last time he visited when he called last minute and asked if he could come over... and I said it would be inconvenient for him to come over since I had been very sick for months (and still was) and my house was a complete wreck and I had to get the kids ready to go to MIL's house later in the day. This was in June I think, so you may remember it in my blog (if I posted about it). I had not realized this was still an issue until this past Saturday when it was brought up again.

I have been so depressed that I have not done much housework at all in months. To be honest, I don't think the clutter from June was ever put away and since then it has become much worse! This is positively the worst condition this house has ever been in, and I have very little enthusiasm to do it now... but I will. Maybe I will feel better if the house is in order. The psychologist thinks I don't need to take an antidepressant anymore - she should come to see the condition of my house!

Off I go to clean and organize. Where am I to find the will to do this???