Tripletmom

Comic of the day

2010-12-25T15:04:00.001-05:00

Comic of the day

2010-12-24T14:59:00.000-05:00

My Stories

2010-08-22T10:39:00.000-04:00

If anyone is interested in reading my stories, go to my other blog:

http://wendisfanfiction.blogspot.com/

Time to update my blog!

2010-06-21T14:31:00.004-04:00

Hey all...if anyone is still out there, lol. Hope you are all doing well.

If anyone is interested in Pride and Prejudice (P&P) Fanfiction go over to Malena's site (http://madaboutdarcy.blogspot.com/). She is a fabulous writer! She'll have you laughing in no time!

My story is now over 250 pages and I have two betas (informal editors) working on it, plus a friend who is a fan of P&P who took it on vacation with her to read...I'm waiting for her verdict when she gets back. She is a published author.

The two betas are great and very different from each other which works out wonderfully. One is a male, one female - one more grammar/syntax minded than the other, the other gives me lots of ideas of where I can/should expand. They're about 50 pages into the story now and we've hit a major snag. The lady wants me to get rid of a scene that is very important and I'm freaking out. Granted she had no idea how important this is to the rest of the story because she has not read it yet, but I haven't the slightest idea how to 'fix' this scene.

So instead of writing for now I'm taking another break and catching up on my reading.

Gotta go get the kiddies from school. Ugh only 4 more days then they are off for 2 months!

Allergies, writing, and migraines, oh my!

2010-04-20T11:54:00.003-04:00

Argh! I hate pollen! I know we need it to survive, but I hate it anyway. To be getting such a headache as this just from breathing really stinks. I want to not be allergic to pollen anymore.

Ok, I don't feel any better, but at least that is out there. I want to go take a nap because this is now turning into a migraine but I cannot lay down for another 15 minutes because I took a pill with lunch that you are not allowed to lay down for 30 minutes after. And yes I know I'm babbling but you try having a pollen-sinus-headache allergy-mush-brain turning-into-a-migraine and typing something coherent.

So my second fanfiction is going along well. When it is done I will post it on a new blog and on some forums for P&P fanfiction. I have almost 76,000 words, 154 pages, and it has a long way to go. I do believe I'll end up with more than 100,000 words. About 111 pages of that is polished up pretty nicely, and the rest is more-than-outlined but just typed in huge blocks of information and not proper language. Well actually there are another 20 or so pages that are ready intermixed with the other blocks of info. I just asked for a beta (someone to proofread, etc) on one of the boards. i wanted to spend some time this afternoon with the story but my brain is mush so that is probably not going to happen because of the - well go look above at the end of the last paragraph.

The first story only had a little ways to go but then I started cutting out big chunks for the 2nd story so I'll never post that on a forum... maybe just the end part to the forums because it cannot go in the second story... and then post the whole thing on my own blog (the new one I mentioned above not linked to Tripletmom because I want some privacy - don't want the forum people knowing my problems type thing, but I will put the link to the new blog on here if anyone wants to read it)

Ugh i still have 10 more minutes before I can lay down. Somebody make time go faster. I hope my alarm wakes me up later and I go pick up the kids from school. This light is killing me so I'm going... see ya

Update on the last update lol

2010-03-26T12:48:00.002-04:00

The teacher says the boy has been moved away from DD1. He, of course, says he didn't say/do any of that. Uh huh. Well, there is not much the teacher can do since DD1 did not report it right away. It turns out it was determined that the glue stick thing happened weeks ago, not last week. I'm not sure when the "psychopath" names were thrown at her.

Now that I've calmed down... I really don't think there is a danger to DD1 or I'd make more of a stink about it. DD1 promises to tell the teacher immediately if anything else occurs.

So that is that - for now anyway.

Update - death threat to my daughter, son's condition, etc.

2010-03-24T08:06:00.006-04:00

Hey all! I just realized there were 2 comments to blogs from months ago... sorry people - I didn't see them till just now! I just approved them this morning.

So DD1 is getting death threats at school. I just found out about this a few minutes ago. She told me yesterday that the kid was calling her a "psychopath" and "psychopathic murderer" but I didn't flip about that as much as the "holding up a glue stick and his hand, pretending the hand is her head and the glue stick is a bullet, then the bullet hits the head" thing... found out about that just as I was writing an email to her teacher about the psychopath thing about 5 minutes ago. NOW I'm freaking out - though I know this is just words... but still! Nobody should have to deal with this stuff!

We have a major gang problem/hate crime problem in our area (we actually had some high school kids kill a man recently, it is in trial right now) and 2 incidents with little kids bringing in guns to school within the past year... so the cops are having a major push in, even at the elementary school level, constantly having lectures, going to every single class, etc. I have a feeling there is going to be some major problems as a result of this, but I cannot have DD1 being threatened, either! She's only thinking of these things as an insult, too, and it's been going on for a week and she only just told me about it. Ugh.

Ok... so yeah I'm freaking out a bit right now. I sure hope that kid does not have access to a gun.

I don't think I'm making much sense, am I? Sorry.

She also got a sun-rash on her hands when I let her go out for 5 minutes to see some animals that came to visit the school on Friday. She forgot to put on her gloves. She still has the rash - and yeah she just told me about that now too. I even asked her if she had any rashes on Friday and over the weekend. She did say on Friday that she felt like she might be getting one, but I'm guessing she didn't really hear me over the weekend since she has inherited her father's "gift" for being able to carry on a conversation without attending to it at all.

Meanwhile... now maybe this is why I'm completely freaking out about DD1's threat... my husband's cube-mate was shot in the head a few days ago and is dead. He was in his backyard having a ciggy and someone shot him. Why? Who? Nobody seems to know. The cops have the case sealed up tight, even though some people DH works with know people in the police who are very high ranked cops, they still cannot find out any info. What the heck happened to this poor guy?

And DD2 is completely freaking out about all this because for about a year now she has had an irrational fear (well, maybe it isn't so irrational after all?) that someone is going to shoot her.

OK, on to my son - he is still doing better, with that slight problem last week when bad, bad mommy gave him something with a hint of wheat in it by mistake. So... I'm considering that one his 'wheat challenge' and he failed it miserably. No more wheat ever again for DS. We are going to try soy next, but I think we will wait till after Easter for that. I want to make it to at least one holiday celebration this year, and if he gets sick I won't know if he actually is sick or having an allergic reaction and will probably keep everyone home from Easter at my mom's new condo.

Oh and MIL is all moved in now. I haven't been able to go help her again, but she was so well unpacked last time I was there that I don't think she really needs me, to be honest.

And my mom had a biopsy taken yesterday. Ugh!

I guess that's about it.

Is everyone's lives as... um... eventful... as mine?

Oh, one last thing - I'm now writing fanfiction! Writing a Pride and Prejudice story. Wish me luck.

Ok so I lied, I have 2 last things - I finally saw the DVD of Twilight New Moon and it totally, totally STUNK!!! What a major disappointment. I'm sorry I spent the money on buying it!

The Leprechauns GOT me!

2010-03-17T12:16:00.006-04:00

"Leprechauns"... or some other mischievous person... created some problems for me last night/this morning. I received an email which I thought was sales/junk/spam and almost deleted, but there was something niggling around the outskirts of my thoughts urging me to "OPEN THIS ONE!". So, I did.

It was a confirmation on the date of installation for our new satellite TV system...

Ummmm... but I didn't order satellite TV...

I didn't want to call the number on the email, thinking yeah this still could be spam... so this morning I called information and got the local number for this company. Sure enough, they had all my info - name, address, phone number and email address. Someone ordered this installation online last night! I talked to my family - nobody signed up for anything.

But... someone DID!! Who??? I don't know... but someone...

I had a heck of a time getting this canceled, too, since they are so sure we really would LOVE satellite TV if we tried it. "My cable suits me just fine, thank you very much!" was not enough. I was at the point of screaming at this poor girl until I realized she had absolutely nothing to do with causing this situation and was just doing her job and I shouldn't take my frustration out on her. Bad enough she's probably getting paid minimum wage and it seemed she was very inexperienced because she kept putting me on hold (presumably to ask her supervisor questions), she didn't need to deal with an irate customer. So, I just became very firm instead and finally was able to cancel this installation after a few more minutes.

A little while later, another thought hit me and I called up the cable company just to make absolutely sure that the satellite company (as part of the alleged impending installation), or my mischievous leprechaun "friend", didn't go canceling my cable as well! Turns out the leprechaun did not think of canceling my cable, thankfully.

I've checked my credit cards and bank accounts and they seem to be in order. It seems whoever did this did NOT also steal my identity. I didn't think so, but just wanted to be sure. I mean, why would someone steal my identity just to change my TV service at my OWN ADDRESS?

It is all so very strange!

Though I must admit that this HAS left me wondering what OTHER things my leprechaun "friend" has done to cause problems for me! Are all sorts of online orders being placed? Am I going to have installation/delivery people at my door every day next week? Did they change my oil heat to gas and set up an appt for that to take place? Arrange to have water or electric or snail-mail service stopped?

What did I ever do to anyone to deserve this treatment?

Oh and by the way, Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Comic of the day

2010-03-10T12:49:00.001-05:00

MIL moving today

2010-03-08T11:30:00.004-05:00

Hello! My mother in law is moving today. Since the kids have been sick often, and I had other things going on (or she did) I never had time to help her. I'm feeling pretty guilty about not helping her pack, and she is acting pretty angry at me... but she doesn't seem to understand (and neither does the "guilt" part of my brain): my mother moved during the summer when the kids were not being exposed to all sorts of viruses and bacteria, and THAT is why I was able to help her. They were not sick all the time like they are during the school year.

My DH did go help her the past few weekends, but I was not able to.

One reason for that is that, other than when the kids or I were sick, was that I have all of my son's new foods here and would need to pack everything up and bring it all with me not knowing what he would eat. I mean, I could have taken a bunch of bananas with me, sure, but I keep trying to get him to eat something more substantial. He is NOT getting the nutrients he needs, that's for sure, though things are recently getting better. And I'd have to pack up food for the girls, too, since they cannot eat restaurant food either and she was intending on getting take-out for the adults.

Anyway, today is moving day and though my son has a very nasty cold, I sent him in to school anyway. My mom went on his school trip with him today and will pick the kids up from school. I am waiting here, at home, for a phone call for when the movers leave her house for the condo (which is only 10 minutes away from here). They are also moving some of her furniture to my house. DH is at her house now, and all I can do is wait for the call... wait and worry about how I did not help like I feel I should have... that I am not helping today like I feel I should.

But... DH didn't help my mom much when she moved, either. Is this very different? He helped his mom and I will do all I need to today... I helped my mom and he did what he could a couple of days (but then again, my mom had a LOT more to deal with, having a business in her house for 30 years!).

So, no, it really is not that different than the situation with my mom, is it? I should not be feeling so guilty.

But I am.

What makes me feel even worse is that some members of the Houston family (her other daughter in law and the grandkids - who are older than my kids) are coming up at the end of the week to help her unpack!

This makes me feel even more guilty. They are coming all the way across the country because they know MIL cannot count on me to help. THAT is how it makes me feel anyway.

I am hoping to be able to get over to the new condo at least a couple of days this week, even if only for an hour or two each day, to help her unpack. Of course... now that my son is sick (and this is only the first day he will probably get sicker from here) this might not happen and OF COURSE I'm going to feel even more guilty than all the above.

And my mom is probably catching my son's virus as I type! And that will make me feel even worse!

AND my kids never got over to MIL's old house to say "goodbye" to it. They haven't been there in months.

AND my kids were hysterical about the furniture change that is going to take place today. No changes allowed, you know!!! But they completely destroyed the couch we have had since before they were born... we need a new one, this one is literally falling apart... and there is a recliner that MIL had that matches the couch so we are taking that too. So, we are getting those today.

I hate myself sometimes. I hate how my brain feels the need to torture myself. I do a really, really good job of torturing myself, believe me!

Why can't I be like other people and not care about anyone but myself? I want to be apathetic... or do I??? I don't really know.

GI doctor for son yesterday

2010-03-04T09:37:00.002-05:00

We went to the GI doctor yesterday... and guess what? He did NOT order the tests (which probably saved my son's life). He wanted to know who did lol. Well, NOBODY did - it was a mistake.

Seems like somebody "up there" is watching over my son!!! (Thanks Dad and FIL!)

He is doing much better. Nine days on the elimination diet and he has not been sick at all in 7 days.

**doin' the happy dance**

Now I just have to get him to eat more than rice spaghetti, bananas, grapes, apples and potato chips/french fries!!!

Co-Dependency

2010-03-01T14:41:00.001-05:00

Today I am celebrating my first year anniversary FREE of co-dependency!

Allergies / New allergies causing son to be sick!

2010-02-25T13:15:00.005-05:00

As some of you might know, we have a lot of allergies in the family...

Myself and the children possibly have a genetic condition called Malignant Hypothermia, which basically is a deadly allergy to certain anesthesia (your temperature rises to 110F in a few seconds and you die). Since one of my aunts had it, and the testing for this is done only by certain labs and is extremely painful, I have been advised to just say we have it so they won’t give us the anesthesia that can trigger it.

I am allergic to fish and shellfish, a few medications and herbs, lots of chemicals and environmental allergies. I also am allergic to the sun (Solar Urticaria (SU) and Polymorphic Light Eruption (PMLE)), my own sweat (Cholinergic Urticaria (CU)), Pressure Urticaria (a scratch causes hives) and Dermagraphic Urticaria (pressure, like leaning on something or wearing elastic, causes hives) as well.

DD1 has severe SU, severe PMLE and Solar Eczema, as well as severe CU, Pressure Urticaria and Dermagraphic Urticaria. She also gets severe deep tissue swelling from the sun, called Angioedema. She can have anaphylactic reactions from the SU and CU because it is so severe, but thankfully has not had any yet. She needs to take daily medication (Zyrtec and Zantac) to be able to even move around due to the CU, and also before any exertion (like phys ed class) has to be premedicated with Benadryl on top of the others. She cannot go outside except a little before sundown, so that means no recess at school and it interferes with gym class as well as limiting field trips. I had to put up a nice fight with the school to get them to do something with her for recess other than sticking her into the nurse's office (and being exposed to all the sick kids!). She is also allergic to several medications, as well as contact allergic to many chemicals (such as the ones in sunblock!)

DD2 is severely allergic to Tree Nuts, Eggs and Peanuts. She is also contact allergic to these, including a history of GI-anaphylaxis when it comes into contact with her skin. She has asthma and eczema (tough to treat since she is allergic to topical cortisone, which is what they use to treat eczema!). She did also have what we think was a GI reaction to inhaling peanuts when someone near her opened a pack of peanut M&Ms.

DS... well this is what has triggered my first wall post! Up till now we thought he was only allergic to eggs food-wise, which he was also contact allergic to (gets hives all over his body). He also has Dermagraphic Urticaria, Asthma and environmental allergies. He had Eczema when he was younger, but it had been years since he had a bad bout of it.

But... He has been very sick the past few months, including severe GI symptoms, eczema and hives. He has lost 19 pounds (if you count the 2 he gained back then lost again) and looks terrible.

After my insisting that he be tested for more foods while the doctors were doing other blood work (which all came back normal), we finally got the results this past Monday. He is now allergic to eggs, corn, soy, wheat and milk. Fortunately, they do not think he has Celiac Disease.

DS has been getting migraines again due to the stress of all this. (I found out this morning as I was going to give him some that liquid Tylenol has corn in it!) His resistance to change and sensory issues (related to Autism) are playing a huge part in all of this. Texture of food has always been a major problem for him, and so he has been limited to very few foods. Now most of the previous acceptable ones he is allergic to. He is extremely stressed out at this point.

For me, the past few days have been spent in a grueling way - spending hours and hours reading those tiny food labels on EVERYTHING at a whole bunch of stores trying to find things he can eat (everything seems to have one of these in them), researching on the web, and trying to get him to try to eat. Thankfully, my mom and sister were very helpful going shopping the first two days – honestly I think I might have had a nervous breakdown if I hadn’t had help those first couple of days! This morning, I spent 45 minutes at the drug store searching through his usual over-the-counter medications and talking to the pharmacist about how many medications have corn, wheat and milk in them. Most of the pills also have these in the coatings. Even some inhalers for Asthma have milk powder in them.

I am hoping he will find things he will actually like to eat soon. Last night he tried rice spaghetti and actually liked it - which was very encouraging to us all.

Wish us luck!

Update again

2010-02-19T11:32:00.005-05:00

Time for a vent update... I'm going completely insane, ok? Completely!

So... here is the update...

DD1 has her period again, and it is not "on time"... I hope she isn't going to be like I was.

DS STILL has the 'runs'. There have only been 8 days since December 15th (NOT in a row, mind you) that he has not been sick multiple times a day. I have tried taking milk out of his diet, and lactose. Both seem to work about the same, so I think ONE of his problems is lactose - he only runs for the bathroom 3 times a day instead of 10. Obviously there is at least one other problem since he is still running! I don't know what that problem is, though, and the days he did not have a problem his diet was exactly the same as the days he has... so even the lactose really does not make sense... I mean on the 8 days he wasn't sick he had MORE milk than most of the other days that he was sick. I'm driving myself completely insane trying to figure this out, let alone what this is all doing to him.

DD2 still has "a huge ball of worry in her head that cannot be ignored". I'm not sure what to do about that. She has been confessing things that she feels guilty about - some of them from years ago - and I'm hoping that will help her, but she gets stuck and perseverates no matter how I try to help her rid herself of these thoughts.

DD2 and I are both sick right now, not sure what it is. She has a low-grade fever and gets nauseous from time to time, and starts shaking once in a while, but no other symptoms. I have a low-grade fever and my entire body hurts and I have very little energy. I'm starting to think I
might be working on the flu.

My FIL had a severe heart attack a few days ago and has been in the hospital since then. He had a pacemaker/defibrillator put in yesterday and today (maybe, if they have the time) they will test it and maybe he can go home soon. His heart stopped the day before yesterday and they had to use the defib paddles on him to bring him back... for some reason they say that is NOT a heart attack, I guess the logistics of it would be "heart failure"? Nobody bothered telling FIL that this happened until he started complaining about his skin (where they used the paddles) burning and itching! I just don't understand how they could NOT tell him he died! Now, after finding this out, he does remember it all happening, but before that he did not. Maybe they just thought he'd remember?

Anyway, this is causing some major flashbacks for me pertaining to my father - not only the cancer stuff but (you are probably not aware of this) he had major heart stuff going on for years before the cancer. Ironic that we always thought it would be his heart that "got" him, not cancer!

MIL is moving March 2nd. Ugh! They changed the date and made it sooner! With the kids being sick all the time, I have not been able to get there to help her pack at all. DH is supposed to go there tomorrow, and his brother came to town today to see their father so he will help pack as well. The rest of us were supposed to go, too, but since DD2 and I have a fever, she said just stay home and keep the other kids with me and send DH. I am feeling really guilty about not helping her. A while back she had planned a trip to Israel and chose to keep those plans, and she just got back yesterday... so now she is in a panic to come back and find they moved the date of the closings forward!

Meanwhile, I have not been able to get to therapy for months. I also think I'm becoming agoraphobic. Yes, that's right, the fear of leaving one's home, causing panic attacks at even the thought of it.

Fun, fun...

Growing up

2010-01-29T16:18:00.002-05:00

My 9 yr old with the precocious puberty has REALLY hit puberty today. It is official. Even though the doctor told me she shouldn't start menstruating for another 6 months, she did today. I feel very guilty because I did not prepare her as thoroughly as I should have. She knew some of it, but not the details.

We really didn't need another major event right now. I feel like the walls are closing in.

Panic in tripletsville

2010-01-28T19:27:00.003-05:00

So... one of my daughters is on the phone with a girl in her class. The girl tells DD that there is a 5 yr old girl at her house who was annoying her, so she gave her some of her grandmother's medicine to put her to sleep, and now the girl is sleeping, and when her parents come to pick her up she was planning on telling them how good she was because she slept the whole time.

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay... so now what would you do when your daughter confides this to you?

Well... what I did was:
#1 panic that there is a 5 yr old overdosing on meds somewhere in my town.
#2 remember just who this girl is who told DD this (she lies a lot)
#3 remember that this girl's grandmother (girl lives with her) and I do NOT get along and will probably NOT want to listen to anything I have to say, and probably attack me verbally tomorrow in the school parking lot IF this is not true
#4 not give two darns about numbers 2 and 3 because, hey, there might be a 5 yr old girl overdosing at her house!
#5 have DD call the girl back and ask her if she really did give a little girl medicine or was she only kidding (with the plan of "if the girl DID give the 5 yr old medicine, put me on the phone")

Now... the girl's answering machine picks up and DD leaves a message to call her back ASAP

So, then I spent the next 20 minutes working up to one of the worst panic attacks in my life history (which is quite an accomplishment!) thinking there is a 5 yr old girl ODing and I'm the only one who knows it and I don't even know where these people live and cannot get in touch with them.

Next... DD's other friend calls her (yeah, DD2 is very chatty lately)... about 10 minutes into the call I realize she is talking to a girl (girl2) who lives a couple of houses away from "the girl who told DD about giving the meds" (girl1)... so I ask to talk to her mom and explained I'm not trying to cause any problems but I'm not sure what to do at this point because I cannot get through to girl1's phone number, and explain what DD told me. Girl2's mom knows a different number and calls that and finds out there was no 5 yr old girl at the house today and it was a joke (and she even said to me "I'm on good terms with [the grandmother], so I will call her" so it is obvious the grandmother has said some bad things about me to her).

Thank G-d!

But now I'm all in a panic (yeah I took Xanax) about girl1's grandmother freaking out on me tomorrow in the school parking lot.

Believe me, this woman (the grandmother) is relentless and if the last 2 times this happened to me had happened to someone else, it is enough to give ANYONE panic disorder, let alone someone who already has it!

I really wish today was Friday so she had a weekend to calm down and re-think attacking me tomorrow... but it is not Friday. Ugh.

I sure hope that Xanax kicks in soon!

I know I did the right thing, but now I feel really stupid for exposing myself to this imminent attack. At least I think I know I did the right thing, but that confidence is fading rapidly!

Comic of the day

2010-01-28T15:05:00.001-05:00

We really needed this...

2010-01-23T12:53:00.003-05:00

It seems my house has been invaded by yet another virus. It is really about time - I was getting tired of the old one (sarcasm). Though the old one is still hanging on... maybe it was getting lonely and felt it needed company... invited a "relative" by for a visit? I certainly hope the visit of this "guest" is not a long one as this previous one is proving to be. Why do we get so many uninvited, and certainly unwelcome, "guests" at my house?

I am determined to kick them all out of the house by Monday - but that is really too much to hope for, isn't it?

Oh well.

My son was feeling a lot better yesterday and I was starting to think that this would be over soon. What little optimism I was striving to obtain yesterday is now completely gone since my son and one of my daughters woke up this morning with new symptoms.

Pessimism works much better - one is never disappointed, one's hopes are never let down.

I keep having the thought "I want to go home" pop into my head. But... I AM home. What does that thought really mean??? Where is "home"???

Still in that bad place...

2010-01-21T13:02:00.004-05:00

I'm alive... but still in that bad place... or further in deep as it may. I know I haven't been keeping up with anyone's blogs, or even my own, but I need to vent a bit and don't know where to turn anymore.

I don't understand why DH is yelling at me that my son is sick. The kids have had one stomach virus after another, over and over again since school started, but my son cannot seem to get rid of this last one. He has had diarrhea for weeks now, with a break once in a while. At our last visit to the doc, we (along with a medical student) went through everything that could be causing this, item by item. The thing is, almost everything we could think of had to be ruled out (for example, a new food allergy) because the rest of us could NOT be catching it from him (which we invariably do) if it was that. So we were left with bacterial or viral causes. I had to take samples - talk about disgusting, I was gagging for days and still gag anytime I think of it - and send them to the lab for testing, but they came back negative to everything that was tested.

I'm now waiting for the doc to call and tell me what is next. She had said if this continues he is going to have to go to a GI doctor, which will mean lots of invasive testing I'm sure.

I got off the phone with the psychiatrist a little while ago and I'm going to start decreasing his prozac (she insists it couldn't be that but it IS listed as a side effect and we DID increase the dosage quite a bit a few weeks ago). I want to try this before doing anything invasive, that's for sure! She says he would have had it the whole time, not just when we increased the dose, but I MUST try this! Honestly, I agree with her, it is not the prozac. But I still have to try it.

I'm going to take him off Zyrtec as well, as soon as I can get to the store to get him some Claritin to take every day instead... because when he is off Zyrtec he has a lot of asthma attacks and also hives all the time now (seems he now has cholinergic urticaria as well as my daughter and myself!)

I am also taking him to the allergist and want him tested for milk and wheat allergies. That is all he really eats, to be honest (I know, the perfect candidate for a GFCF diet, but he would starve to death before eating anything else, believe me I've tried). If he comes up positive to either of those, we are in major trouble. I really do believe that he will starve himself if he cannot eat his usual stuff. Um... I know I did when I was a kid and my son is a lot more stubborn than I was!

So anyway, my husband insists on screaming at my son and I every day now that he is home from school. Like we are doing this on purpose, or my son is faking it to avoid going to school. I just don't understand it.

I KNOW my son is having separation anxiety issues, but this is not part of that. Nobody else would catch it if it was due to anxiety!!!

I really SHOULD ask the doc to take more tests and make DH do the diarrhea sample taking this time! Maybe THEN he'll believe that this poor kid is not faking it somehow. I swear if any more doctors want cultures taken, THAT is what I'm going to do - let him SEE it.

I don't even know if he really believes my son is faking it, but he keeps telling me to send him in to school anyway. I cannot do that. He is running for the bathroom all the time, sometimes it just leaks out without him even realizing there was a need to go. How the heck am I supposed to send him to school that way? Does he think the school will just accept that he's sh*tting his pants several times a day and keep him there? No, they won't, they'll send him home of course, and the poor kid would be teased for the rest of his school career for sh*tting his pants at school.

Yes, I agree, he is missing an awful lot of school. I have work sent home for him, keep printing out worksheets and have him on educational websites... but every once in an while when the sh*ts go away, he goes into school and then catches up on tests, and yes he is failing them! So, I am not doing a very good job teaching him, obviously... and if this continues he is going to get left back. I DO realize all this.

But what am I supposed to do?????????? The school doesn't want him there, the doc doesn't want him going to school, and if he goes he'll be humiliated and sent home. So, I should keep him home, right?

That seems logical, doesn't it?

Well, not to DH obviously.

I have never dreaded being around DH before, but I dread it now. I cringe when I hear him get up for work. I brace myself for the worst when he gets home from work. And my poor son thinks his father hates him.

I hate all this.

There has got to be something I'm not seeing. Why is he so angry? I just don't understand. We've talked and talked and argued over this and I still do not understand. What am I not seeing?

Just don't care...

2009-12-04T10:53:00.002-05:00

I'm in a bad place. I just don't care about almost anything. I have decided I'm not sending out cards for Christmas this year. I haven't done thing one about buying or informing anyone of even what the kids want. It is December 4th and everyone is asking me, but actually TELLING them what the kids want is too difficult. Everything is too difficult. Everything. Even taking a shower is too difficult to DO most days. I just don't care anymore. I have to at least get the kids a few things and tell people what they want or they will be very disappointed... I have to do this... but there is just no motivation or energy to actually DO it.

Reading other's blogs or forums is out completely. I just cannot manage it. I haven't even been reading my emails, other than scanning the names to see if any teachers wrote... and even then sometimes it takes a day or two to even open it.

So, that's been my life since I last wrote on here.

Floating in the Sea of Make Believe...

2009-10-28T14:37:00.003-04:00

Hey... I know, I know... I've been MIA lately, eh? Actually, in case anyone has been wondering where I disappeared to - I've been trying NOT to deal with reality in any way at all.

I've been reading fan fiction and that's about it - once in a while an email, too. I've basically been ignoring anything "real" because I cannot deal with reality anymore. I don't really care about very much right now, including that the vision in my left eye was recently confirmed to be pretty much leaving me forever. Bye bye left eye! I have known it was going for years and haven't really even told anyone IRL about that one and don't even think I've mentioned it on the vision forum I'm on... and have not been really telling anyone much of anything else lately, either. This is where I lay out most of my thoughts and I haven't even been on here!

So, instead, I have been just floating around in a sea of make-believe instead, dealing with the things in the real world only as I absolutely HAVE to. Of course there is much in the way of day-to-day stuff with the kids and family that are on that "HAVE TO" list... but anything beyond that I'm ignoring.

Any time I start thinking about anything serious, I suddenly get into this deep depression about how disgusting and old I am, so I have retreated into another world instead. Real life sucks! I guess my birthday coming up hasn't helped any of this either. When DH started getting his bd cards in the mail yesterday (his is 3 days before mine), I decided I'm throwing out all my cards when they come in - and I am NOT going to answer the phone on Sunday at all. So there! If I ignore my birthday, that means it didn't happen, right?????

It probably is not very good for me, or for anyone else to be honest, but that is the way it is for me right now.

Oh yeah, I should probably let you know that the family weekend thing went pretty well, surprisingly. I was only completely humiliated twice. Amazing!!! Nobody came here, but I did manage to get the house in order and have even managed to keep it almost as nice as it was that weekend. Wow!

Hope you, my friends, are doing well.

A complete embarassment

2009-10-05T09:45:00.003-04:00

Hello, haven't been on here in a while. Too busy and messed up in the head to read or write.

I have come to the conclusion that I am a complete embarrassment to all who know me. I would much rather stay in my house and see no one since I am of little use other that to provide a source of gossip and disgrace. THAT is my use to the world. I guess if some are having a good time ragging on me, then I have served some purpose in life. The only reason my husband stays with me is because he feels an obligation since he agreed to have children (though, less than a year after they were born, he told me he regretted it... yes, people, he had told me that he only agreed to have children to avoid losing me since he knew that is what I wanted - and now wishes he had just let me go)

That being said, I am expected to go out to dinner this weekend since BIL is coming in from Houston, TX. I am sure the entire family is hoping I will get sick and stay home, though I must be well enough to clean the house this week so it must be a last minute illness. I'm absolutely sure none of them want to be seen in public with me. Maybe I should fake an illness? But I cannot lie... so I won't... but the way my stomach has been acting lately I might be sick anyway (I think I have IBS now, wonderful). Most of them will completely ignore me, as usual, so I will be very quiet and not make them embarrassed on that front, but just the sight of me - to be seen with me - is an ebarrassment. Ah... I will try to keep a few paces behind them when walking I guess... but they cannot avoid sitting with me.

Plus... my entire in-law family is still pissed off at me from the last time he visited when he called last minute and asked if he could come over... and I said it would be inconvenient for him to come over since I had been very sick for months (and still was) and my house was a complete wreck and I had to get the kids ready to go to MIL's house later in the day. This was in June I think, so you may remember it in my blog (if I posted about it). I had not realized this was still an issue until this past Saturday when it was brought up again.

I have been so depressed that I have not done much housework at all in months. To be honest, I don't think the clutter from June was ever put away and since then it has become much worse! This is positively the worst condition this house has ever been in, and I have very little enthusiasm to do it now... but I will. Maybe I will feel better if the house is in order. The psychologist thinks I don't need to take an antidepressant anymore - she should come to see the condition of my house!

Off I go to clean and organize. Where am I to find the will to do this???

I'm sick and my mom has to move... anyone know anything about cats?

2009-09-26T10:38:00.007-04:00

Now, just as I was starting to feel better from the stomach virus and dizziness, I caught DH's cold/flu/whatever it is. D1 has it too. DS and D2 don't have it yet but I'm sure they will get it.

I had to write to all the teachers and tell them why I did not go to the "meet the teacher" night Thursday - I could barely stand by that time. Today I woke up and now it is in my chest, heaven help us.

Asthma + chest cold = BAD thing

I HAVE TO GO TO MY MOTHER'S HOUSE ON SUNDAY AND HELP MOVE ON MONDAY!

I HAVE to be better tomorrow. The kids all have to be better by then.

We MUST be able to say goodbye to the house (my "HOME", the only refuge I had as a kid, the only safe place I had that I wasn't torn apart by brutal verbal abuse while growing up, the only place I could be safe to cry about how nasty the kids were to me, the only place love and kindness existed for all those years) and help my mother pack up her last minute stuff and move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DH has to take apart her computer and TV stuff and put it all back together again in the new place.

I cannot be sick. The kids cannot be sick. I have to help her. I promised. She has nobody else to help.

Why couldn't the viruses wait till October?????? Why did it all have to start the instant school started?

I have to be better by Sunday. The kids all have to be better by Sunday. Period.

And, at the same time, I'm having problems with a neighborhood, outdoor cat... and it is driving me completely insane.

I know nothing about cats... Do you know how to get rid of a cat that is hanging around the outside of my house, scratching at the doors and yowling constantly (all day, all night) to come in? It sounds like a baby crying, if what it sounds like makes a difference.

My front storm door is all scratched up now - at least the back one is metal and she does not seem to like to scratch that one lol. It follows us from room to room and sits at the window yowling at the top of it's lungs, even keeping us awake at night. I am just about ready to go insane!!!

I don't understand this cat at all. She has never been inside my house, why does she want to come in?

It is an outdoor cat (which should not expect to come in, right?) that the kids pet a few times, unfortunately. It must have followed their scent home. I told them they are no longer allowed to pet the cat - and it's been 3 days since they did (they have not even been outdoors in the past 36 hours), but this cat won't go away! I've tried scaring it, but that only makes it back up, not go away. I'm afraid it might not be eating or drinking anything at this point since it never leaves.

Is this normal behavior or should I be worrying this cat has rabies?

6 more days...

2009-09-22T12:28:00.002-04:00

My mom is moving in 6 days.

6 days left for the house that I grew up in.

6 days left for the house my dad lived in.

6 days left for the address that I have written so many times.

6 days left for the phone number I grew up with.

6 days left.

OMG... OMG...

I am not doing well.

Musical instruments this year...

2009-09-20T13:19:00.002-04:00

We have to go to the music store to get the kids' instruments. DD1 is going to learn the clarinet. DS got the drums, which he is thrilled about (DH plays). DD2 is going to learn the violin.

I have put off going to the music store to get the instruments and supplies all week... using my illness as an excuse. It is a good excuse, I could barely make it to drop them off and pick them up at school. But now I'm doing better enough to stay away from a bathroom for an hour or so... and I know today we should go.

But I'm in a complete panic any time the kids ask me about it. I have to do this, I know... but...

Why am I in a panic about this? Why do I feel like the world will end if DD2 plays the violin? This is totally irrational. I feel like there is guaranteed death for her just around the corner if I allow this.

Yes, some rosins have pistachio nuts in it, but I won't let her get that one. I will get her the hypoallergenic one. And I'm even getting her a new violin just to make sure there is no residue on it.

So... what is the problem here?

Quote of the day

2009-09-17T16:06:00.001-04:00

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does.
Christopher Morley (1890-1976)

DS and anxiety

2009-09-17T09:45:00.007-04:00

Ugh... I am feeling sick to my stomach. I was just about to go food shopping - boy am I glad I did not go! I obviously need to stay here at the computer, 3 steps away from the bathroom!!!

Maybe it is stress...

DS is having a very difficult time right now. I don't know what to do at this point. He is crying a lot, saying he misses me too much at school and that he wants to be home schooled! He cried once at school so far, but the past 2 days (including today) he cried half the morning and was still crying on his way in to the building. I called his psychiatrist (pdoc)... maybe his meds need increasing. We were just there a couple of days before school started and all was well, but the added stress of being in school is obviously too much for him.

I would really hate to home school for many reasons.

The kids don't listen to me when I try to teach them something (well... they don't listen much at other times, too, lol). They have meltdowns, especially DS (GADS!), when I try to teach something new - screaming, flailing, crying, throwing himself around on the floor or runs up to his bed and does it there, or locks himself into the bathroom. Now, how on earth could I be able to expect him to learn anything in that condition?

He also needs the social contact. He needs to learn how to get along in the world, how to deal with people... and *I* am not the person to teach him those skills, that's for sure!

But - his crying and whining at school is not going to help him deal with people, it is only going to get him bullied.

I know everyone is probably thinking I reinforce this behavior, but I've analyzed and analyzed and I know I am not reinforcing it. I walk away when he starts crying. I hate walking away - it is probably one of the most difficult things for me to do. But I have to, because he even tells me that he wants my attention when he is crying. I give him attention when he is NOT crying instead. So, why is this behavior continuing???

I know his sister reinforces it, and I have told her time and time again not to. She has been good about it the past few days, though.

I know his teacher reinforced it when he cried at school the other day. But he also got negative reactions from the rest of the class, and was very aware of it - plus I explained that, even through it is not *right*, the other boys his age (9 yrs old) are going to start teasing him about this soon, if not this year.

I know, with autism, emotions are very hard to control. People in general think people with autism do not feel emotions, but they do... it is all or nothing though. Emotions are so intense that they are completely overwhelming. People with autism self-learn how to control themselves by cutting themselves off from others in various ways because it is just too painful to deal with overwhelming emotions ALL the time!

It is very much like being over sensitive to sensory information - overwhelming or find a way to cut yourself off (or undersensitive and the person goes to extremes to find a way to feel something just to know you exist).

The key is getting the intervention, the help, to deal with all this without having to go to extremes.

And I know I am NOT the person to help my kids with this stuff. I did all I could so far... but at this point - well I did the self-learning thing... and found my own ways of dealing.. and they are not very helpful. I'm a complete failure at life and mixing with neurotypicals - an anxious waste-case who, I am told, anxiety just rolls off me and through others when I enter a room.

What can I teach them, to be like me??? NO!!! That is not good. I am trying so hard to AVOID them being like me!!!

So, being home with me is NOT the answer here.

The pdoc just called back, we are increasing the Prozac starting tonight, and I have to call her on Monday. Wish us luck that he can get through the day without a problem tomorrow.

Confused... is this being hypocritical or am I nuts?

2009-09-16T17:25:00.005-04:00

A little background to my question...

As you may know, I have recently become obsessed with the Twilight Saga. I also happen to be, and have been for many years, obsessed with Jane Austen's (JA) works - especially Pride and Prejudice (P&P).

I began to read some 'fan fiction' (fanfic) recently related to Twilight... then have moved on to include some Jane Austen stuff. I really don't like anything that changes the original story, but do enjoy reading the story from another person's point of view (POV) - which includes things that one did not experience with the original novel because the novel was following another person's point of view. For instance, if the two characters were apart for a period of time... what happened during that time for the character who the novel was NOT following... now that is very interesting to me.

I found a wonderful JA fanfic site which I joined and have read some of one author's stories. I have not moved onto anyone else's yet since I really like her writing style and wanted to finish her stories first... and she is absolutely brilliant. She has two long stories from Mr. Darcy's (the 'hero') POV. They are a sort of 'alternate universe/fantasy' type stories since they really don't follow the novel, but somehow she seemlessly braid these stories into the novel's storyline so they don't bother me - they never change the original novel (and actually help to explain some things that had been confusing to me during the 100 times I've read P&P, believe it or not!)... and they are just so creative I cannot help but like them.

In both these stories, the heroine, Elizabeth Bennet, has her life threatened... once even by having her carried off by flying monkeys and ending up tied up spread eagle while being almost eaten by a huge, mythical, shapeshifting, man-eating serpant. (I know... if you are a JA fan reading this you are thinking, "HOW ON EARTH could this be related to P&P?"... but it is, lol)

(Oh no... lol... I just realized I'm talking about shapeshifting lizards again, aren't I? Hmmmmm....)

Anyway... it is not violent in the sense that Elizabeth is injured very badly, but the threat of violence is there and Darcy kills several mythical beasts who take on the form of people they both know.

So... on to what I'm confused about....

I posted to the "Introduce yourself" thread and a conversation ensued. I mentioned that I liked fanfic for Twilight (after asking permission to mention other authors on the site), and also mentioned that one of my favorite Twilight fanfic authors is attempting to somehow meld Twilight with P&P (not sure how she is going to do this!) and even though it sounds strange to me, I am looking forward to reading it.

The JA fanfic author who I spoke of above freaked out on me! She says (paraphrasing) she is extremely disturbed by anything Twilight because it promotes violence against women hidden under the disguise of romance... and how she is afraid for our future generations.

***Spoiler alert for Twilight****

Now... yes Bella gets hurt in the first book... and three female vampires get killed in the other books... but the main story is that Edward and Bella are opposites who overcome many major obstacles, including their basic instincts, to be together. It is a love story with action and adventure. The romance is not disguising violence in any way, shape or form.

And, by the way, vampires are mythical creatures.

What am I not understanding about this woman's problem?

Should I be feeling so guilty about posting, as I do?

Could it be the fact that Bella gets hurt by a male vampire that is bothering her so much... but since in her book the only things that get killed are in the form of males when Darcy kills them - who (in the instance of the monkeys and serpent anyway) were sent to kill her by a woman, so that is ok???

Is this hypocritical or am I not seeing something???

I'm not sure how to react to this at this point. I posted an apology for offending her and asked if I should edit out any references to Twilight in my posts... and she said not to... but very curtly.

I get the feeling I'm about to be kicked off the forum now. Ugh...

Comic of the day

2009-09-16T13:09:00.001-04:00

Heroes... written on September 17, 2001

2009-09-11T09:41:00.003-04:00

Written September 17, 2001 by Tripletmom

Heroes

I have struggled in vain; no matter how hard I have searched I cannot find the words to describe the feelings I have in response to what happened on Tuesday, September 11, 2001. There are no words terrible enough... aghast, shocked, horrified, appalled, disgusted, sickened, dismayed, revolted, distraught, traumatized, angry............

One of the biggest problems with this tragedy is that there is nobody to point the finger at. We want the black knight. We want a villain with a wicked laugh. We want a country that America and the free world consider to be evil. We want an Enemy. We want someone to strike back at.

What we NEED is the man with the black hat, riding the black horse. What we HAVE are people who shoot innocent people in the back with no warning and for no apparent reason. We cannot see them. They hide in the shadows. We cannot identify them. We cannot even see the shadows.

Right now we only know for sure from phone conversations with the passengers on the airliners that there were a bunch of men who took over a bunch of planes with knives and box cutters, killed flight attendants and told the passengers they had bombs aboard.

They seem to be related to Bin Laden’s terrorist group, but the government is not saying that it is sure of bin Laden being behind this. Yet we point our fingers at him because we need someone to point at. The general population does not know what is going on behind the scenes in the investigation, but we hope the investigators know more than we do.

The passengers aboard these planes did not know where they were headed. They did not know these men were about to attack America. If they had known this, if they had known they were doomed to a certain death if they let them take over, they would have fought back. They probably thought the hijackers wanted to be taken to another country. They might have thought they would be held as hostages so the hijackers could get what they wanted - money or political prisoners for example. They did not know they would be used as weapons of mass destruction.

The people on the flight that went down in Pennsylvania did know. They had the time to call their families and call emergency numbers and found out. It seems they at least tried to fight back, tried to take back the plane, though they did not fully succeed in gaining control. From looking at the radar of the plane just before it went down, it seems there was a struggle and they succeeded at least in crashing the plane in an open field where it would not kill anyone else and would miss its intended target. They were the first heroes of this war.

The moment they decided to take back control of the plane, they were no longer civilians they were no longer innocent victims. They chose to die for their country, to protect the way of life of their families, the American people and free nations all over the world. Not enough is being said about these people in the past few days. They are not being given the credit they deserve.

The passengers on the plane that hit the Pentagon knew as well, but they did not have the time to do anything about it. A woman on the plane called her husband in the Justice Dept., and asked him what she should tell the pilot to do, then they were cut off... the plane had crashed. I know in my heart they would have done something like the Pennsylvania passengers did.

The men and women who died going into the World Trade Center to rescue people and put out the fire that was endangering so many... going up when everyone else was going down... those are the second group of heroes. They knew the dangers, and they went up anyway to help the thousands of people who needed them because that is what they were all about.

There are so many people who helped others escape from these buildings as well. Everyday men and women we see on the street. They stopped and helped people get out and get away from the buildings instead of getting their own selves away as fast as they could have unhampered by the injured. They are included in this group of heroes.

The rescue workers at both the Pentagon and World Trade Center are the third group of heroes. They were and are in constant danger of fire and the buildings collapsing further.

The rescue workers at the World Trade Center are risking their lives as I type, on the possibility that they might save others. They work without rest, without food, pushing themselves to the point of sheer exhaustion until they are about to collapse. They sleep on cots and sidewalks for a couple of hours before doing it all over again.

Whether they be firefighters or police officers who put their life on the line every day and gave the ultimate sacrifice on that day, the man who died giving last rites to a fallen firefighter, the passengers on board the airplane who decided not to let these madmen use them as a weapon, the people who stopped running in order to carry a person stranded in a wheelchair, the man who could have ran faster but did not want to leave his slower coworker behind, the person who dragged a number of injured people out with him on each arm, the emergency workers and medical personnel who rushed to the scene to help the injured, the hundreds of volunteers who show up and risk their lives every day at the crash sites to sift through the wreckage looking for survivors and never give up hope. these people are truly heroes in every sense of the word. These men and women are truly brave. Their families should be proud of them. We should all be proud.

I know I will think of them every day for the rest of my life.

In recent years, we have all heard comments on the lack of role models and heroes in the world today. It took a disaster like this to find them. They are ordinary people who were under extraordinary circumstances, like most heroes. No matter what happens in the days and years ahead, let us not forget the first heroes of this war.

Too much

2009-09-11T09:17:00.003-04:00

There is too much going on here. I wish I could not be me. Between school starting and getting emails from the teachers a few times a day to straighten things out, problems popping up about school, the kids freaking out with all the changes life holds right now with the beginning of a new school year, my problems with change, problems with my mom's sale/purchase of living arrangements (looks like she is going to be homeless by the end of the month), Sept 11th and all the flashbacks I have about that, and now right in the middle of all this I have realized that DH doesn't care about me anymore. I don't know why that last one popped up right now. The signs have been there for years now that I look back - I just didn't want to see them I guess... but why did I realize this right now? It is making life a lot harder. I cannot blame him really; I cannot be angry at him for this, or disappointed in him... or anything else. What is there to care about? Nothing. I am nothing but disgusting. I am nothing. I go through brief moments of wishing I was dead but within a half a second I realize that I cannot do that to the kids. What would become of them? It would not be a good situation to leave any of them in. So, almost instantly I change my mind. I cannot even be bothered with struggling to paragraph this so sorry for it being all one.

Updates... having trouble titling these lately lol

2009-09-07T10:18:00.005-04:00

2 more days till school starts... "Do NOT freak out!" is my main thought these days - I sort of chant this to myself when I am feeling like I'm about to, which is quite often. Why am I freaking so much more this year than usual, I don't know. It has to be school starting soon, right? That is what I keep blaming it on anyway. If not, I don't know what.

Or maybe it is because I'm not taking Xanax much anymore. Ah ha! I used to take it every morning when school was on to keep me from having a panic attack every morning, maybe I need to start that again. School = need for Xanax.

I've been trying not to take it at night before bed, but I have so many nightmares that I don't feel like I've slept at all - so I think I will resume that one.

Oh well.

My psych says I don't seem as anxious. I saw her Friday night. I was surprised. Maybe I'm just getting better at hiding it? That would be nice since she once said I radiate anxiety and tension from my body... that when I walk into a room I could make everyone in it anxious.

I wonder if I have the same effect on people that read my blog or emails from me? Do I make YOU nervous???

She also said something about not needing to take Welbutrin anymore... not that I ever started taking it in the first place lol. I wonder... maybe that was a question? Was she asking me if I thought I don't need to take it? Hmmm... if it was a question I should have screamed, "YES, ABSOLUTELY I NEED TO TAKE IT!" but I just didn't say much of anything. I don't think she noticed. Sometimes I think my appt is too late at night for her and she is not paying attention. Sometimes she falls asleep - but I don't seem to notice until after I'm not there anymore and 'reviewing' in my head. Either it is too late or she needs to get more sugar (she's hypoglycemic like me).

I really need to start writing stuff down for her again, even though now to print there is a long, involved process I have to go through... ugh. The thing is, I cannot answer questions very well. It is like my brain goes searching for the answer but gets lost. I come up with a blank. So, when she (or anyone else) asks a question, I cannot answer. BLANK. If I have this stuff written down, I just have to look at it... the right connection is made...then the answer comes.

Oh... remember I wrote a long while back about the e-friend who was in a coma? Well, I FINALLY got word that he is recovering! Woooo hooo!!!!

Lots of nothings...

2009-09-03T12:15:00.006-04:00

I was a very good girl this morning. I re-vamped the letters to the teachers and wrote them emails asking if they'd like to have a hard copy delivered or have the letters emailed. We shall see how good they are at checking their email now. If I don't hear from them by Tuesday, I will hand deliver hard copies.

Otherwise, it was quite an uneventful evening (after DH got home, I calmed down) and morning. The girls slept, and my son did not - poor Grandma! I doubt they will be sleeping over for a long time after she moves... maybe he will do better when he is a bit older? I hope so, though his "need for sameness" seems to be getting worse with time, not better.

Last night, I took a break from all things Twilight (amazing feat!) and watched Valkyrie last night - my first Blu Ray movie. It was excellent. I never knew much about Nazi history... I wonder how true that story was? I guess I can go look it up, but I'm too lazy to read any history today.

I really like the Blu Ray look... makes me want to rent other movies on Blu Ray (you must know which movie I'd rent first lol).

The biggest problem with that is that I can only watch a movie after the kids go to bed and they will not sleep if I am not upstairs until they are deeply asleep. If they wake up and I'm not in my room, they freak out - especially DS... and once the freak-out begins, it lasts for hours. So, I usually watch a movie on the little screen in my bedroom. The Blu Ray machine and big screen TV are in the living room, downstairs.

I can rent as many movies as I want on Blu Ray, but the only time I'd be able to watch them is if they are not home. I'm usually busy while they are at school, so that's out... that leaves me with the only time I can watch a Blu Ray is if they sleep over at my mom's... and that won't be repeated for months. I might as well not bother!

Unless, of course, the DVD player in my bedroom dies and I can get a new Blu Ray machine - but I cannot justify to myself spending money on a Blu Ray machine when I have a working DVD player. "Short life to the DVD player!!!" ROFL!!! Then I'll need a nice, new TV, lol. The one in the bedroom is probably 20 years old.

Enough of my rambling - I had better go pick up the kids soon before my mom passes out from exhaustion.

Grrrrr!

2009-09-02T19:46:00.003-04:00

Why did this have to happen? I was enjoying reading, then there was a knock on the door. Some really big, creepy guy was there talking really fast - so fast I couldn't understand most of what he was saying.

Either he was trying to sell something... or maybe he was a "bad guy" who was trying to get me to open the (locked) storm door (there have been 'push in' burglaries in the area lately)... he was trying to hand me something. I told him I wasn't opening the door and he got pissed off, and I got really scared... then he left.

But now I'm here, alone for at least the next 2 hours till DH comes home. Maybe this guy was harmless, but now I'm terrified whether he was harmless or not. I've been jumping at every tiny noise.

Maybe my reaction was ridiculous... but now I am consumed by anxiety and panic instead of enjoying the time I have to myself. And I'm afraid to take a Xanax to calm myself down from this panic because what if I NEED the adrenaline to defend myself if this guy comes back and somehow breaks in?

Why would this guy try to break in here? There is no real reason. I should calm down. Instead, I'm fighting the panic-driven-urge to look over my shoulder at the window which is open a tiny bit to get some fresh air in here to make sure nobody's face is in that window... watching me.

UGH!!!

My Twilight obsession increases...

2009-09-02T18:28:00.011-04:00

My Twilight obsession has increased dramatically... if I graphed these things I'm pretty sure it would be going up at the same exact pace as my anxiety level - possibly my subconscious trying to protect my mind from going bonkers?

I'm now on several Twilight forums, mostly lurking. The couple of posts I've made haven't gone over very well, so I think I'll be lurking more than posting from now on! For example, I mentioned that they made Bella look too good in the photos/trailers I've seen - she is supposed to be literally falling apart and in the book not only does she mention how horrible she looks, but all the other characters do, as well. Um... I do NOT think I should have said that on the forum I said it on. Oh well. I'll just keep my mouth shut and read!

Not that I'm really super interested in what most of them say - most of it is about how "hot" the actor who plays Edward is, and if you've paid any attention to my ramblings on this subject in the past you'd know that I don't think he is anywhere near as gorgeous as Edward is supposed to be in the books (though the actor is nice looking - and really they could never find a male in existence who IS as gorgeous as Edward is supposed to be lol)... alternately they'll post on how "hot" the guy who plays Jacob is.

Nor am I on the forums to find out the latest gossip on the actors themselves. To me, digging into the personal lives of the actors of my favorite stories ruins the "magic" of the movies - makes them less... I cannot find the word for it... not "real" but I guess that is the closest word that I can think of.

And, yes, btw, I do know these stories are NOT real - I'm not that autistic... though the level of autism I am is probably fueling the obsession as well, lol

I'm really on the forums looking for news and photos of the movie that's about to come out in November and the filming of the 3rd book, which is going on now. They've already even got some stuff about the 4th book's future filming out there... and photos of Bella's wedding dress (gorgeous).

I've also taken to collecting Twilight stationery on my email program. Now... really... WHEN am I ever going to use any of these Twilight stationeries? Nobody I know IRL likes Twilight and mostly I email people I know IRL. So this makes no sense. But, since when do the collections of people with autism make sense, right? I guess when I look at it in that light, it is better I collect computer stationery that only take up bits on my hard drive than something that takes up a lot of room IRL, right? (Ok, I feel better now.)

Anyway, I dropped off the kids at my mom's earlier for the last, last sleepover. I hope they do well, not like last time where DS had my mom up till 2am crying that he wanted to go home. She insisted on doing it one more time, though. I left about 2 hours ago and they have called at least 5 times since - so I'm not having very good feelings about this.

The reason I'm even mentioning this in my Twilight post is because now I have FREE TIME without any interuptions... and what I should be doing is the letters to the teachers... but what I AM doing is reading and writing about Twilight instead. And enjoying it immensely (which, btw, is also making me feel guilty ugh).

Maybe tomorrow morning I'll do what I'm supposed to do?

Ya think?

September + school starting soon = PANIC

2009-09-01T16:21:00.004-04:00

OK... it is September... the kids got their teacher assignments in the mail today... reality has sunk in and the panic has begun. I must start revamping the letters to the teachers ASAP!!!

My left eye is twitching so badly that I can barely see what I'm writing.

REWIND... REWIND... I need to go back to June 27th!!!

Good news: DD1 got the same teacher as last year. She must have moved up a grade. She is the best teacher any of the kids have had in the past 5 years, so I'm actually happy about something. I also do not have to write any letters to her since she already knows everything about DD1. Whew!

Bad news: DS got DD1's teacher from 2 years ago - who I absolutely HATED! OMG! She is one of those people who is sickly sweet to talk to (her voice makes me physically ill), then is really a nasty person underneath it all. My mom met her once and she made her sick too, so it is not just me. She disregarded DD1's 504 plan for the first half of the year and DD1 had a few reactions from the sun before she decided that she really did need to follow the 504 plan. So... how many food allergy reactions is it going to take before she realizes that she needs to follow DS's 504 plan??? Ugh. And DS is sooooooooo sensitive - he's going to end up crying all year. Double Ugh!

I know nothing about DD2's teacher at all... I have to ask around but there really aren't too many people I can ask.

Quote of the day

2009-08-30T10:06:00.000-04:00

Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven’t committed.

Anthony Powell (1905-2000)

Newts

2009-08-30T08:28:00.006-04:00

The kids have been bugging us for a pet. Of course they want a dog - but I just have too much to do taking care of this house, 3 kids and a husband (plus the effort of dealing with my slew of anxiety disorders, Aspergers, depression and various other disorders) to get a dog. If we MUST get a pet, personally I would rather a small dog, though, than anything else...

DH had told them maybe we'd get a guinea pig, but I was not for that at all. DH came into this marriage with hamsters attached and I really don't want to have to be cleaning cages and having that smell throughout the house again! I was greatly relieved when the last hamster finally died.

Thankfully, the kids told me the plan before he went to the pet store, lol. So, he then told them (without discussing it with me first) that they could get some newts. After dinner last night, he announced he was taking the kids to the pet store to buy newts... and he did.

So, now we have 3 paddletail newts.

Um... I really wish he had given me some time to research what taking care of newts entails BEFORE going off to buy them. He assumed they could go in the tiny half-gallon tank we had for the little African water frog we had (which passed on recently) after DD2's class raised it from a tadpole and DD2 surprised me by volunteering to take home at the end of the school year in 1st grade (teachers REALLY need to check with the parents first before sending them home with the kids, don't you think?)

The assumption that they could live in this tiny little tank is WRONG!

After some research, I have found out that paddletail newts should not be in the same tank together because they will eventually become very territorial and kill each other. They need at least 5-10 gallons of water for a newt and LOTS of hiding places including a full aquarium setup complete with filtering system and plants, etc. UGH! Where on earth are we going to put 3 tanks?

If we take a chance and keep them together in one tank, I am now informed that they will need a 20 gallon tank and even more hiding places for when one becomes stronger than the others.

I have also found out that one is a male (white spot on tail) and the other 2 are females... and that they reproduce quickly. UGH! So, yeah, either we are about to become a newt breeding place or we need at least 2 tanks!

They also need cool water, so I'll have to keep a gallon of water in the fridge to pour in there when the water gets close to 70 F (of course, after removing the same amount of warmer water first). We are also supposed to bring the temp of the water down over a 3 week period so that they go into hibernation for 3 months. THAT is not going to happen!

And they live an average of 10 years in captivity. Um... so we will still have at least 3 newts, probably more, when the kids go to college???

I am not a happy person. My vote is take them to the lake nearby and let them be free!!! LOL

Comic of the day

2009-08-28T10:50:00.001-04:00

Co-dependency

2009-08-27T17:44:00.039-04:00

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive....

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it.

It just so happens that a co-dependent "friendship" (aka: the girl) was broken off for me (thankfully) by her caretakers in February 2009. They blocked my email address after I told a mutual friend some passing thoughts that I was just venting so I could move past them (which a did ALL THE TIME without this response ever before), but she took as permanent views for some unknown reason, then would not believe me - very hard to explain - I was very depressed and venting to the other person.

There was also a problem between her caretakers, the girl and myself - they insulted me beyond any hope of explanation and/or forgiveness. The girl I could have forgiven, but I never would have forgiven the caretakers... and I never would have forgotten what happened. Things never would have been the same with the girl, to be honest. I was also venting to the other person about these problems and how I felt about what happened... and she told the caretakers what I said.

Then, through a fault of my own (I forwarded a joke with their addresses on it - learned my lesson there!), the other person began emailing my husband and mother! She took some of those venting emails I wrote, picked sentences and phrases completely out of context, added some of her own words, deleted some of mine - all to make them sound oh so much more worse than they originally were... then forwarded this stuff to them in what looked like one message written by me. It made me sound horrible!!! I can only imagine that she had sent similar things to the girl's caretakers.

I was surprised that, after the initial anger, it was a relief to have them block me!

I'm not exactly sure it was a typical co-dependent situation and it was not truly one-sided, she did give a lot back... but that last sentence quoted above really 'hits home'.

the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it

I did not realize how trapped I felt until it was all over and I felt FREE!!! I had not realized how much anxiety this situation had been creating for me till it was over.

It felt even better once I deleted every reference to all of them (both the girl and the other person and the caretakers... oh and all the girl's doctors and nurses) from my computer and in my life. They had sent me a few gifts which I have thrown away or given away to charities. Every file that had anything to do with either of them have been deleted. I stopped going to any forum that I knew they went to, etc.

For a while I saved the police statements in case they were ever needed, but then recently I deleted them too. No police officer or judge ever made direct contact with me, though I had asked them to, and quite frankly expected them to after all that happened... so it all could have been a lie.

Or maybe I was secretly investigated and have an FBI and Interpol file somewhere, LOL. (Well, actually, if any of the girl's story was true, that probably is true, too. For all I know, they are reading this now. Hello! if you are! lol)

It began as a regular friendship... suddenly became helping her through a very 'rough time' (so bad that nobody would even believe what happened to her if her story had been made as a horror movie or novel - it is true horror of the worst kind) and helped her make statements for police investigators... then it continued and continued - things kept getting worse and horrible things kept happening to her.

It got to the point where I could not even choose to take a day off from the routine for fear she would freak out and bad things would happen as a result since she was depending on my presence to talk her through much needed daily medical procedures. I had to write an email in the morning and be on chat at 7:50PM every night, with very few exceptions. She was moderately autistic, and her extreme need for routine, plus an extreme fear of abandonment, did not help this... and her situation was such that I did not want to be the CAUSE any further problems in her life.

Sometimes I did not believe she, nor the things that happened to her, were real, and thought it might all be some cyber-hoax... but I could never repeat here any of what she told me in case it is real, because supposedly she is in a "witness protection program". Since I think in pictures, every time she would tell me another part of what happened it would make sort-of movies in my head. I have been having flashbacks of these things that happened to someone else for years now.

It would really piss me off if someone someday told me that the whole thing was someone's sick imagination... though in a way, I guess it would provide a bit of relief if I knew that the horrible things that happened to her never really did happen. I find it very odd, though, that NONE of what supposedly happened to her never ended up in any media coverage anywhere in two different countries... though there were lots of excuses I made to myself through the years to explain that away - because THAT is what co-dependent people DO.

Unfortunately, I brought the other person into this situation early on because I realized the subject area of part of what happened to her was outside of my experience and this other person had some personal experience in these matters. I still feel guilty that I brought her in... and feel guilty that I left her in the situation without me as a back-up anymore (if she wasn't part of a whole scam thing)... and feel guilty that in order to make a full break from the co-dependent 'friendship', I needed to break from her, too... because the two of them became one entity in my mind - single but bonded so tightly that I could no longer write to one without thinking of the other. Even 6 months later, I cannot think of one name without the other being tacked on to the end, as if the two names are now one.

At the end, too - well she proved to be less of a friend than I thought she was all those years... she suddenly doubted every word I was saying and would not believe me anymore, in addition to the things I wrote above. I felt I didn't know her anymore.

It got so bad that I began wondering of both of these people were part of a cyber-hoax together, though I knew one for years before I met the other and did not meet them in the same cyber-place. It made it easier to break off all contact with her, as well, when she had become like a completely different person there at the end. I do not believe that relationship was co-dependent... but since it was linked to the one that was, I had to end that one, too.

I had locked these memories away for the past few months, but lately I've been feeling a little guilty. What if all this really was real and my leaving caused them both some major problems?

But, I really don't see how I could have helped that since the caretakers were the ones who blocked me, right? *I* did not do anything except block the other person afterwards. So, I should never feel guilty about anything that happened no matter what it was that happened. And I will probably never know.

So, this is being written to close that file in my head forever.

I vow to myself I will never feel guilty about this again!

(Might as well try that favorite color thing again, right?)

"Emotion-shutdown" and hurricane on the way

2009-08-27T09:53:00.004-04:00

I did ok yesterday. I am proud to say I had ZERO panic attacks yesterday! I refused to allow emotions to take over at all while we were at my mom's... "emotion-shutdown" is what I call it.

Which looks bad to other people, actually, but it protected me at least. What I mean is, at one point my son and mom were crying about something and I didn't react at all, not even to comfort. I could not. I just walked out of the room. I had to drive home soon and the last thing I needed was an emotion-meltdown and panic attack.

So, yeah - I was a callous, uncaring, selfish individual yesterday. Which, of course, has me feeling quite guilty this morning. Cannot win, no matter what!

There is a now-tropical storm, about-to-become-hurricane, Danny headed up the coast of the US. The projected path has Danny's Eye passing just off the coast of Long Island, maybe right over it on Saturday. Either way, we'll be feeling the effects - wind, rain, etc. Hopefully not tornados (which, if you are a loyal reader, you probably know I have a plan for, lol - but would probably not have time to actually put into motion!) I doubt it will be a very strong storm, from what they are predicting now... but "THEY" are not always correct. I need to get to the store today and stock up on a few things, just in case, so I am glad that MIL is coming over here today.

And that's what's a happenin' here

Babbling about Stuff (aka "I have no idea what to title this one" LOL)

2009-08-26T11:15:00.006-04:00

I'm not sure if my post a few days ago on the subject of one of my flashback situations actually did more damage than good. I was hoping it would do some good... but it has brought the subject to mind even without flashbacks at this point, again and again. Is it a good thing to think about something like that without the vivid 're-living' state of a flashback? I don't know the answer to that question... and I have not been to the psych to ask.

I guess I should email the psych with that question since she has not emailed me about an appt this week yet. If she wanted to see me today, it is too late now to say yes. (DH has to go into work early on those days and he is still sleeping, lol, plus we made plans to go to my mom's later). I missed an appt 2 weeks ago, then the only day last week she could see me I had the crown done and I knew I'd be in too bad shape to be driving 30 minutes to go see her (so late, too - I am always her last appt and don't get home till after 10pm - knowing the TMJ would trigger a migraine and the anxiety of going to the dentist exhausting me = bad combo for driving - probably worse than if I'd been drunk!) I don't know if she'll email me later in the week telling me to come in on Friday.

I wonder if she is reading my blog? She is the only person IRL that I have given my blog URL to. I have been having printer problems for months now (long story why this is not fixed) and do not usually print out something for her anymore like I used to, so I gave her my blog to keep tabs on me... but I don't think she really has time to get online and read it. I have a feeling if she had read the post I referred to above, she would have called me immediately, lol. I don't think I ever told her about that one, even though I've been seeing her for what - 3 years? I think it has been that long, anyway.

Anyway, yes we are going to my mom's this afternoon. I will get to see the result of all the work that was done the other day... an empty garage and basement. I am being very careful to call it a "garage" now and not "the office", which is what it was always referred to as I grew up.

I hope seeing it empty doesn't trigger a panic attack. And you know that just thinking it might trigger a panic attack is making a panic attack more likely, right?! Geesh!

We will eat dinner then work for an hour or so (organizing the stuff that came out of the garage), then the kids will enjoy going in the pool, I am sure. And hopefully I will NOT have a panic attack while driving home.

OK - I'm going to be more positive...

I WILL NOT HAVE A PANIC ATTACK TODAY!!!

So there. :P

I even put it in my favorite color. Maybe it will 'stick' in my brain better that way?

"The Business"... my parents

2009-08-23T10:45:00.010-04:00

Though my father was a New York City Firefighter, he always had something else going on the side. There were several businesses that came and went, but through it all my parents had one business since 1969... "The Business"... gifts for firefighters... which started out as a mail order business and they also set up at a couple of conventions a year selling their stuff. (The fire department has always been the center of our lives... I will miss the firemen. They were always a second family to me.) Sometimes we went on the business trips with them and worked for them. Our family vacations were almost always tacked onto a business trip.

Through the years, as my sister and I got older and were able to stay alone for a night or two, the conventions became more numerous. After we got married and moved out, the mail order/internet part of the business wasn't doing very well so they mostly did conventions. They traveled a LOT... almost all the time except for a couple of winter months. We still joined them at the larger conventions (well, that stopped once we had kids), but most of the conventions were small enough for the two of them to handle on their own. After my sister and I had children, my parents got other family and friends to work for them at the larger conventions.

The only move we ever made when I was a child was when I was in second grade. We moved 5 houses down the block onto the corner of a main street so they could set up a showroom in the garage. My father was in charge of buying most of the stuff they sold, and he bought a lot of stuff and then seemed to forget about some of it. Or maybe it was bought and put away for investment purposes... we really aren't sure.

Anyway, since my mother put her house up for sale, the family has been trying to sort through all the STUFF from the businesses. Forty years worth of STUFF.

Some of it my mom was able to sell to other vendors, other stuff was given away, some thrown out, some put on eBay and Craigslist. At the same time as "The Business", my father had gone through some other businesses... the one that stuck around the longest was sports memorabilia, which is half of the STUFF which we found.

The showroom in the oversized double-garage was built by... well I'm not sure... probably my father (with help). False walls were raised and a drop ceiling was installed. The basement is huge and many, many selves were built, plus there are metal shelves bolted into the cement walls.

All this stuff needs to go before my mom moves out. The job is much too big for my DH and BIL to do... so mom had to hire someone to do it. They start demolition tomorrow.

Yesterday, we all spent the day at my mom's cleaning out the last STUFF from those 40 years of "The Business" that my parents worked so hard on... to provide extras for my sister and I.

The last bits of ALL their hard work is in the den in boxes or on the front porch waiting to be given away... the walls and shelving my father put so much hard work in to building years ago will be broken down and put into a dumpster (which will be delivered tomorrow morning) in my mom's driveway.

It was a difficult day yesterday... but we were so busy that it didn't really HIT me... until today. It was just nagging at the back of my mind all day yesterday - it never really surfaced till this morning, when I decided I just had to write this post.

I was 3 years old when they started "The Business"... so it is part of every childhood memory... every memory of my father... every day of the 38 years of my father's life that I remember was centered around the fire department and "The Business".

The last physical remnants of my father's life will be torn down and put in a dumpster by tomorrow night.

I am very sad...

Depression, dentist, mini-golf and go carts

2009-08-21T09:33:00.007-04:00

Ugh - yesterday was a very bad day depression-wise. I was very close to shut-down all day, too, even slipped into it a few times. I was actually growling at DH last night at one point! I was at the lowest of lows.

I don't know why, but I woke up much better today... if you consider moderately depressed better, lol. It does not make sense to feel any better today... nothing has changed, other than my glands are swollen (which, I'd think, would make it worse not better). I have the dentist today - the last appt for the crown - so I would think that would make things worse, too. So, why is it better today? Weird. But, MIL is coming today, and if she is in a critical mood, that will change, lol.

DH is home today, too... he usually takes a few days off making long weekends during the summer instead of taking full weeks off - since we never go anywhere on holiday. A crowded house today!

We took the kids to play miniature golf and go on the go carts last night. It was not the ideal night to go since I was in such a bad mood, but I didn't care either. I didn't care about anything, to be honest. The kids seemed to have had a good time, though... except DD1 had a bit of a meltdown when she did so badly at mini-golf. She takes after me with mini-golf, that's for sure. Then, when we got home I was in such overload I felt like I was going to explode. I should not do much when I'm like that. After getting the kids a snack, I locked myself in my room and watched a movie instead.

I sure hope this is the last dentist appt for a looooong time! The TMJ got really bad last time; I ended up with a migraine - and that was just for the temporary which is usually the correct height. This time I'm getting the finished crown, which will NOT be the perfect height and I will have to get used to the new bite or wear it down with use. Typically (I know since I have 2 other crowns) I will be having very bad TMJ and migraines for at least 1-2 weeks. I really hate crowns.

Wish me luck!

Comic of the day

2009-08-20T11:41:00.000-04:00

The story of my life...

School begins in 20 days...

2009-08-20T11:09:00.006-04:00

School is starting in 20 days for the triplets. I need to write my letters to the teachers and make copies of their 504 plans (since, I have learned in the past, the school does not give them a copy of the plan for a few days AFTER they've begun school), but have no motivation to do so. I only have to update last year's letters and go to the copy place... so why aren't I doing that? I just cannot get myself to do it, and I think it is because once I do - it is REAL. Right now, it is all just a worry, but starting to prepare is real.

We have gotten into such a nice routine over the summer... so much less to worry about with the kids home all day... if I could actually teach the kids something, I would home school. But, I cannot seem to be able to teach them anything. They don't learn much from the way I try to teach them. Sooooo... off to school they will go.

I know they need to learn how to socialize better, and that will only come with being around people - with help... and I know I cannot help them with that aspect because I'm a social failure and they need social skills classes, which they get at school.

Ugh.

I hate sending them off to school with strangers who probably won't take their issues seriously. I hate not knowing whether the teachers will take their issues seriously. I hate fighting with the school. I hate having to deal with the people outside the school - the parents and grandparents who drop their kids off and pick them up. I hate the social stuff outside the school.

And most of all, I hate having to put them through all the social garbage I know from experience will come.

And I hate all the illnesses that I know are coming as soon as they begin school. This year is supposed to be so much worse with the viruses that have mutated enough to stick around all summer and the local medical community in a panic about school starting soon. I mentioned something to the allergist the other day and she confirmed it.

Will I be wondering whether one of my kids, or all three, will survive the day at some point this school year?

Ok, yeah, the worrying has begun.

DD2 is starting to get the muscle spasms like I have in my neck, and the chain reactions have started down her back. Why did I have to pass on ALL my bad genes to my kids??? I know this is a life-long thing she will have to deal with. Gads... why did I do this to them? I've chained them down with my DNA to a life of pain and misery. Nature was right... I never should have had kids. I feel so guilty.

And I finished the Twilight book series for the 3rd time... I'm contemplating starting it over again from the beginning to at least keep my mind occupied some of the time. To escape the worry and guilt.

And... how do I know a spider is on the other side of a wall I'm looking at before I walk into the room... on the wall I cannot see? How do I know to go through the doorway quickly so it doesn't drop on me? How do I wake up in the middle of the night because I KNOW there is a spider above me? How do I do that? What is that? What was I in my past life that I can sense a spider I cannot see from outside the room or when I'm sleeping? What kind of freak am I?

Comic of the day

2009-08-17T10:31:00.000-04:00

Steven

2009-08-17T09:00:00.029-04:00

Warning: This is a very long post. I have tried to make it coherent but the subject matter is too emotional for me to keep re-reading and editing. Part of me needed to write this... I am hoping that maybe by writing about it will help have less flashbacks... ignore it if you wish!

*******************

One of the people I often have flashbacks about is Steven. I met him when I was in 8th grade... I am guessing about 12-13 years old.

When I was in middle school and for some strange reason the girl who was the "most popular" in 5th grade was no longer "most" popular and had nobody else to hang out with. I'll call her JM. I never knew what happened to bring this about, but JM began to hang out with the girls on my block who I always hung out with (who had tortured me verbally for years but my parents didn't know that and pretty much kicked me out of the house every day, so I hung out with them). JM was still popular in the sense that she knew everyone in the grade and everyone stopped in the halls to talk to her, but nobody seemed to want to hang out with her (weird).

I always thought that, though I tried very hard to be a good person, I must be a very bad person and G-d was punishing me. I mean, what other reason was there for every word and action (or inaction and lack of words) of mine to be met with abuse and ridicule from my peers? I could never figure out why this was... though it had occurred to me that maybe reincarnation was true and that I was being punished for something I had done in a former life. I was so different from everyone else... there had to be a reason... and the only thing I could come up with was that I was being punished justly for something unknown to me.

JM was in the same grade I was, and we had a few classes together, so I sort of tagged along beside her in the hallways and was pretty much ignored by everyone, unless (when not with her) it was to verbally abuse me... but witnessed a lot of things in the process of tagging along with her since nobody was paying attention to me. I saw the cliques, and I saw how they treated people who were not members of their clique. I got to know who was mean and acted that way, who was mean but acted nice, and who was really nice.

There were few people who actually talked directly to me. One of these was Steven, and a couple of others were his friends. I was too shy to say much to any of them, but they seemed to actually understand that. They were NICE guys... really nice... not 'fake nice'. They were not part of any clique, really... they were a group of 4 guys who were sort of accepted by every clique out there though they were sort of nerdy. It was very strange - it did not fit any of the established patterns. It was as if these guys radiated "NICE" to everyone and nobody seemed to mind them... especially Steven. They seemed to sense my anxiety and shyness and all tried to make me feel comfortable and would put some effort into making me laugh on occasion.

Steven was the nicest of them all... one of the nicest people I have ever known to this day.

While I could not look most people in the eye, I could with him. It always seemed very strange to me. What was the distinction? Why could I look at his face? Why, when I was face-blind to everyone else until they talked, why could I recognize him without hearing his voice? Why could I remember what he looked like when I was not looking at him, when I couldn't even remember the people's faces who were most important in my life, like my parents? Even now, I can remember his face with clarity.

A couple of years later in high school, I did not feel comfortable talking to - well just about anyone in the world. Most kids in high school either did not know I was alive or were pretty darn mean to me. I had gotten very good at blending into the background and not 'being' there to stop the bullies by 10th grade... to limit the meanness. I was as noticeable as a piece of furniture... I was a wall or a chair or a desk - not a person. But Steven and his friends continued to notice I was alive and talk to me, if only to get me to laugh.

The difference was that I could really talk to Steven. He sat next to me in Spanish class in 10th grade and I was not any good at Spanish (AT ALL). His locker was near mine and I would see him in the hall between almost every class. We often would spend any common free-time together, with him helping me with Spanish homework and anything I didn't understand (just about everything).

I never understood why he helped me while it was happening... he was just NICE, that's all, and being THAT nice he must have felt he should help me since he knew what a difficult time I was having. I could not ever expect anything more. I was, after all... ME... I was a chair... and a 'bad person' somehow... how could I expect more?

But... I liked him a lot (yeah, I mean boy-girl 'like') , and I knew he could never in a million years like such a non-person/bad-person as I was.

I was trying to be satisfied with just being able to spend time studying with him. THAT would have to be enough, because there was absolutely no way anything more could ever come of it. I wished things were different, but I would not allow myself to think it was actually possible.

So the Friday before Spring Break, Steven was not around at lunchtime. When all of Steven's friends called me over to where they were sitting during lunchtime, and they told me that Steven 'liked' me... and wanted to know if I liked him... well I sat there silent for a very long time.

My thoughts were as follows:

They are just like the rest of them!!! How could I be so stupid to think they were different? How could I think they were nice?! They are playing this horrible trick on me to make me admit I like Steven so they can ridicule us both about it! How could they do this to him? It would be such a huge joke on him and he would be humiliated by everyone in the school if I tell them the truth! I knew he would have the entire 10th grade laughing about him within minutes, and I could never do that to him. Should I warn Steven about this? Tell him what they are really like? He must be as fooled as I was! Even though it is a lie, I MUST say no, or else he'll be tortured by ridicule for the next 2 years of high school!

So, finally after many minutes of being silent, staring at the floor... I lied. I just said, "NO!" and walked away, locked myself in a stall in the ladies room and cried for the rest of the lunch period.

I was satisfied that at least I had saved Steven from humiliation, but I felt horrible that I had been tricked into thinking these boys were "nice"... and more than a little sad that they had picked the one thing to use for this trick they were trying to play that I really wanted to be true.

Spanish was right after lunch... and Steven wouldn't even look at me let alone talk to me. I tried to get him to talk to me, but he just would give me one word answers and not look up. I was very confused. After much reflection it seemed he was acting embarrassed?

Then suddenly it hit me... WAS HE IN ON THIS??? Maybe this wasn't to humiliate Steven, maybe I was not only wrong about his friends... was I wrong about ALL of them, Steven included? Or was the object of all this to humiliate ME???

NO... I couldn't believe that Steven was part of all this! The only thing I could think of was that they told him later and he was embarrassed by what his friends were trying to do. But the whole world felt like it was turning round and round for me during the rest of Spanish class and the next class.

I saw him in the hallway again, and the same thing happened... so I asked him what was wrong... he said "Nothing" never looking up at me.

I was pretty much devastated.

I told JM later a little bit of what was going on because I was so confused, and since I don't think like other people I thought maybe she could shed some light on what had happened. Her first reaction was that he DID 'like' me, but I told her I did not believe that was true... so she promised to one of the other boys to find out the 'truth'.

I didn't find out till I got home that JM had been told that what the group said was supposedly the truth and Steven was too embarrassed to talk to me!

Could it be possible? They had to be lying to JM, too, right? I mean... I was ME... there was no way I deserved this wonderful boy's attention in any possible way... I was lucky to have his help with Spanish and lucky to actually be able to spend some time with him... he could NOT really 'like' me. That was impossible!

It was Spring Break and I had time to think about all this... two weeks to figure out what I should say the next time I saw him. But I kept coming up with the same conclusion. This HAD to be some sort of joke and I was determined to find out what had really happened, no matter who I had to talk to in order to accomplish this.

During Spring Break that year (April), we had a horrible snow storm which ended up in around 24 inches of snow - totally not expected that time of year.

Then JM's father saw the article in the newspaper... Steven had been hit by a car and was in bad shape. We did not know how bad he was injured.

I knew that one of the boys he hung out with had a phone number one away from mine because people from school often called my number by mistake - so I called him.

He said they had been to a party and were hungry so they went to McDonalds afterward... the snow was piled up on the sidewalks and median of the road they had to cross, so they were riding their bikes on the main road. A probable drunk driver hit Steven and he went flying across the pavement and landed on his head. The driver left the scene (turned himself in to the police more than 24 hours later) and the boys ran to an apartment building to get someone to call an ambulance.

He did not tell me any more... we just sat there on the phone in silence. After a while, I asked if Steven would be ok? He just said he didn't know then he hung up.

Ok... so Steven was hurt. I didn't understand how bad this was, and was in complete denial of where this could lead. THIS boy, THIS good, nice boy... why did this have to happen to HIM? But, he would get better, right? He HAD to get better!!!

That was all I would admit to myself.

I spent the next few days in silence. Though my parents still made me go out and hang out with the girls, I just sat there, staring. I had to make it through to the end of Spring Break to find out how Steven was.

The school had a trip scheduled during the break to a huge amusement park, and my parents had paid for me to go. I didn't want to go if Steven was not going to be there, but my parents and the girls convinced me to go. I was a statue on the bus on the way there, staring out the window. When we got there, I looked around for the boy I had called and he wasn't there. I don't know where I found the nerve, but I started asking people who knew him why he wasn't there... nobody would answer me.

THAT is when the girls I hung out with decided to tell me before anyone else did...

Steven was dead.

He had died the day before, but nobody wanted to tell me.

I screamed a scream I had never even heard anyone scream before, and broke down completely hysterical.

This was not possible... but I knew it was true. How could this happen???

I think to keep myself sane as long as possible I started to concentrate on - HOW could ANYONE have convinced me to go on this trip KNOWING he was dead? WHY would they think I should be going anywhere? WHAT was all this about? HOW could anything matter anymore?

I followed the group into the park, found a bench near every ride the girls went on and just sat there like a zombie.

Yeah... I was a zombie for a very long time after that... except at his funeral... and except when I was alone. When I was alone, all I did was cry.

Nothing else mattered except that Steven was dead.

JM found out that Steven really did like me. The other boys did not lie... they were not being mean... they were not trying to humiliate anyone.

And Steven was so upset that I said I didn't like him... so embarrassed that the other boys told me... THAT is why they went to that party that night... to try to cheer him up.

If I had told the truth, he probably would have been hanging out with me that night instead.

I killed Steven.

His friends all blamed me, and I blamed myself most of all.

At the funeral, the very first funeral I had ever been to, someone that I didn't even know knew my name dragged me into a room and introduced me to his parents.

His mother looked at me, said my name with this shocked look on her face... looked at the girl who had introduced me and said my name as a question... the girl nodded... and then his mother broke down in hysterics... literally crumbling into a heap of sobbing flesh on the floor though several people tried to hold her up she slipped through their hands onto the floor... and then his father yelled to someone to "Get HER out of this room, NOW!" pointing at me.

Someone grabbed my arm and pulled me from the room.

This set it in stone. I knew the truth now. He must have been talking to his mom about me.

I killed Steven. I killed the nicest boy who ever lived. Even his parents blamed me.

He was so smart and wonderful - he would have contributed so much to the world if he had had the chance. How could this happen???

My lie killed him.

The other boys never talked to me again, except one - but I could not talk to him for years. I was a complete zombie for the rest of the year.

I promised myself never to enjoy one minute of my life ever again... never to enjoy anything that I had taken away from Steven as a self-induced punishment for killing him with my lie.

I began having vicious arguments with my parents over church. They wanted me to go, but how could I go to church when G-d killed the best person who ever lived because I lied once? I was so furious with a G-d who could do such a thing - punish ME if I am a bad person, not everyone else who would have benefited from Steven's living.

Every night, as I cried myself to sleep for various reasons (always including that I had killed him), I talked to Steven - apologizing for killing him.

I kept the promise "never to enjoy anything again" for a while, but after high school was over I decided that Steven probably would not want me to live like that. I started drinking and that helped me become a little more social... and began to allow myself to enjoy life once in a while.

But I have never forgiven myself for what I did.

One day when I was in college, the friend of Steven's who did not seem to blame me and would talk to me came up to me as I stood outside of a classroom waiting for the previous class to let out. I had never seen him there before and never saw him after that day, though with my face-blindness, plus the fact that I kept my eyes on the floor most of the time, he might have passed me every day and I did not notice. He said hello, asked me what my major was, I asked him the same... then he said, "It's been almost 4 years" and we both stood in silence for a few minutes, both of us staring at the floor... then he said goodbye and walked away.

Years later, when I was engaged to my husband, I was working at a department store in the handbag section. A couple came in and they looked familiar. I KNEW I knew them from somewhere, but I didn't say anything. I had my script and always stuck to it. Perhaps they had been there before?

The husband was buying an expensive handbag for his wife and I could tell this was a very special occasion for them by the way she was reacting. He handed me his credit card...

I walked around the showcases to the cash register and then it hit me like a punch in the face... the last name on the card... these were Steven's parents!

I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. My eyes filled up with tears and I couldn't even blink them away.

I really don't know how long I was standing there like a statue before I came to my senses...

What should I do? Should I say something to them about who I am? A confession?

I rang up the purchase, ran the credit card through the machine and waited for approval...

I looked up at them through my tears... they kept chatting and looking at each other... they looked so HAPPY... this was NOT the time to be interrupting this special event with confessions that were guaranteed to spoil their day...

So I finished up the purchase, wiped my tears away and handed them their stuff. I couldn't talk, couldn't even say my scripted lines for ending a purchase. I would not have made it through a word without breaking down into tears.

They never looked at me, they only had eyes for each other. I was glad they didn't look at me because they would have KNOWN... I was sure of that.

I almost broke off my engagement... because Steven could never be happy again, could never find love, could never be engaged, could never be married... and it had been my fault because I lied.

But I decided to wait a couple of days and think about it. I decided again that Steven would not have wanted me to... selfishness, I suppose.

Years after that, I went to a psychic. It was something work-related, a fundraiser. I could have just paid and not gone, but I went because the office manager asked me to help her with something. I could not have actually sat down with the psychic, but I thought it might be fun... and we had been trying to get pregnant for years at that point and I figured it couldn't hurt to ask her if I ever would.

After I sat down, she said she was in contact with someone who had passed on and then started to describe Steven perfectly, right down to the shiny hair (I always wondered how he got his hair to shine like that)... and described his death in detail... the accident and what happened afterward. OMG! I was in shock and sat there holding my breath, with tiny gasps in between just to stay alive, because I knew I would completely freak out if I said anything, or even tried to breathe normally.

She said I had to stop talking to him (I had NOT told her I was talking to him) because I was holding him back from 'moving on to the other side'. She said he was stuck in between. She said I was doing the same to my grandparents (who I did NOT tell her had died). I HAD to let go of them, or they would never move on.

Geeze. Like I didn't have enough guilt about this? Not only had I killed Steven, but I was holding him and my grandparents from moving on to what I imagine is 'heaven'?

So, that night, I talked to all of them for the last time. I said my goodbyes... and I let go.

At least I hope I let go, though I wonder if the flashbacks count???

And so, I have gone on with my life in this way, having Steven pop into my thoughts every day for the past 27 years... having detailed flashbacks, including all of the emotions related to all the above.

Uncoordinated and clumsy!

2009-08-16T11:41:00.001-04:00

I am the least coordinated person in the world. I am the clumsiest person in the world, too.

A piece of furniture can be in the same spot for 10 years and I will walk right into it as if it had never been there. I walk into walls, doors, and am constantly scraping myself along side walls, door frames, furniture. I didn't even realize how much I scrape along things till I got a shirt that has buttons on the sleeves and makes a horrible scraping noise when I do. I have black-n-blue marks that I have no idea when or where I got them. Constantly. If I'm distracted even the slightest bit, BAM! I've broken my toes countless times.

ARGH!

Can you tell I think I just broke a couple of toes?

Comic of the day

2009-08-14T10:25:00.002-04:00

"I can't smell a damn thing"

Sorry, you'll have to click on the pic to be able to see it better...

I did ok, I guess...

2009-08-12T11:02:00.004-04:00

I got through the day yesterday... just barely... but I did it. I don't really know how anyone else did - and that is a bit embarrassing. I was such a zombie that I did not really notice how anyone else was doing. I couldn't talk to anyone much, or listen. Not even to my mom. It was not very nice of me.

Why was the second anniversary much harder than the first, I wonder? Will it get worse every year? I hope not.

The kids had fun at the beach, at least. After we threw the roses into the waves, most of them came back on shore... but I hope at high tide they eventually went out to sea. The sunset was beautiful, but it did not seem real - none of it did. The whole day did not seem real.

I was supposed to keep busy all day with errands since MIL came to watch the kids, but I didn't. I did go food shopping in the morning, but that was the limit to what I could accomplish. The rest of the day I just sat there. I could not even read!

MIL's house is up for sale, as of Monday. MIL didn't have a business being run from her house, so she was able to do most of the clean up and throwing away the old stuff herself to get ready for the real estate agents to start showing the house.

It seems that pretty soon we won't have any reason to drive so far to see the grandmas. There will be no reason to drive through the old neighborhoods I grew up in and around since both of the grandmas live about 5 miles away from each other now. It will be very strange.

The kids brought up this morning that they want to go to their grandfathers' graves... both my father and MIL's husband. I was a bit shocked. They are nowhere near each other... on different ends of the island, but one day I really should take them since they want to.

I should have taken them yesterday on my father's anniversary, but I could not manage it. About the only thing I could manage after food shopping was yelling at people.

I'm a bad mom... and a bad daughter... and a bad wife too, I guess. What else am I bad at? Just about everything, I'm afraid.

Anyway... today is back to business - we have an appt with the allergist later. Monday we went for DD1 and DS, today is for DD2 and myself.

I feel very old today, and am in a LOT of pain. There must be a storm coming, or maybe a hurricane developing down in the Carribean. How many miles away is that from Long Island, I wonder? It must be thousands. It amazes me that my body reacts to a storm brewing so far away, but it does. Whenever one of the tropical storms comes up the coast, I'm really in bad shape! I am guessing because I have always, even as a child, been very sensitive to low pressure systems, and tropical storms are very low pressure systems?

Honestly, I think my pain will only get worse as time passes no matter what the trigger, so I need to get used to pain and stop being so surprised when it gets worse. I cannot expect it to get better... ever... so should stop complaining to myself (and you, dear reader) about it. It is just that it really limits what I can do, so it is very frustrating. Oh well.

My Father

2009-08-11T09:33:00.003-04:00

Today is the 2nd anniversary of my father's death.

The whole family is going to the beach to throw roses into the ocean at sundown and watch them float out to sea in the waves. Sunset was my father's 'thing'... his favorite time of day. He loved going to the beach to watch the sunset.

He was a very good man. I could not believe how many people's lives he touched... how many people came to his wake. They were lined up outside to get in. People came from far away, traveling half the night to get to his funeral - people who were not even relatives... even business competitors. Grown men cried... even months later when my mom would see people at conventions they worked at every year, people who didn't know he had passed... they would start crying in the middle of the convention. People would say the conventions would never be the same without him there.

He died pretty quickly of pancreatic cancer. From the day of diagnosis to the day he passed, it was 5 weeks. I am glad he did not have to suffer longer.

I miss him a lot...

OCD-obsession, PTSD, Dyslexia, Scotopic Sensitivity,

2009-08-09T11:26:00.003-04:00

So... I've tried reading other books to help stop this obsession. I've switched to Jane Austen - my favorites. But, this is not working out well. Yes, I have been enjoying reading. Yes, I have been able to accomplish a bit more in my daily life (not much more). But the obsession with these books are not the same (though in the past I thought they were bad enough, the Twilight obsession is MUCH worse) and have not been occupying my thoughts as much when I'm not reading as the others did.

I'm beginning to have some major flashbacks (which are incapacitating and put me into major depressive states) and more panic attacks... so I'm switching back to the Twilight series again today because I just cannot handle this.

This will prove whether it really IS the subject matter I am reading or the proximity to the things I have been fearing... namely the anniversary of my father's death on August 11th, the new school year starting up September 9th and my childhood home never being a part of my life again after some time at the end of September.

I really hate the flashbacks. Not only are there several things I wish I had never said to my father after he was diagnosed with cancer and was on his deathbed, but there is also the death scene (which was NOT peaceful in any way at all - it was pure torture for him and for all witnesses). I'm also beginning to have more flashbacks of totally unrelated things, like the doctor who ripped my clothes off (then I apparently 'lost' quite a bit of time until I 'woke up' and still cannot remember what happened during that time - and I am always terrified that I WILL someday remember what my brain is repressing), many social things and bully-related stuff that have tortured me through the years going back to elementary school all the way through current times, and many other things.

It seems once one flashback is triggered, others follow very closely behind unless I get control. The Twilight stuff has been blocking all this stuff. So, I'm going back to Twilight. Wish me luck!

Amazing... I'm using my OCD to try to fight the PTSD!!! ROFL!!!

Anyway, on the bright side... I am EXTREMELY impressed with how fast I am able to read now! I didn't realize how much the Irlen filters have been helping me until I began reading again. Before the Irlens I think I was able to read 3 pages in an hour. When I first got them, it doubled to 6 pages an hour... then I stopped reading for a while (though I read on the internet, I never could really tell how many pages per hour I was reading). Now I'm up to at least 25 pages an hour!

I wonder how that compares to others? In other words, non-dyslexic/non-scotopic sensitivity syndrome sufferers?

Comic of the day

2009-08-06T09:31:00.003-04:00

Mom's house is sold... worry, worry, worry, worry... depression

2009-08-06T08:36:00.007-04:00

My mom's house is sold... definitely, 100% sure now... the guy finally got the approval on the mortgage yesterday.

Ok... so I'm not doing well with this. Why? I don't know. I knew this was coming, eventually, but lately it looked like this guy was going to get turned down so I sort of had my hopes up I guess. Not that I don't know that my mom does NEED to get out of there... it is just such a huge change and I am not ready for it. But I must be ready for it. She needs to move out and very soon. I have no choice.

We are going to her house today to pack, then the kids will go in the pool tonight.

Next Tuesday is the 2nd anniversary of my father's death. August 11th. I still cannot actually ADMIT to myself that he is gone, really. It is like every time I say it, my brain quickly tells itself "that is a lie" and dismisses it. I can look at the whole situation clinically, from someone else's point of view almost (like I am now - as if I'm talking about someone else)... but once I apply the situation to ME, I freak out and the "lie" thing begins. After 2 years, you'd think this would get better?

And my mom will have to move to a yet undecided location some time over the next few weeks. Undecided because she has not yet BOUGHT anything to move in to. OY OY OY!

Is my mom moving finally going to kick in the truth about my father? Maybe. Probably.

Will I have a nervous breakdown on moving day? Maybe.

MUST CHANGE SUBJECT...

I need to start getting the kids ready for school... writing the letters to the teachers, buying school supplies, clothes shopping, shoes... I still did not make appt's for their physicals (check ups) - OY! I need to get appts with the allergist, too - she also has forms to fill out for school.

O....M....G! The next few weeks are going to be complete madness!!!

AAAAAND... for some reason right now I am so very fixated on being the ugliest, most disgusting thing that ever lived. Of course, it is true, but why does this have to be one of the top things to be nagging at my brain RIGHT NOW??? To distract me from everything else? I don't need THIS kind of distraction.

I need to expect a LOT more OCD behaviors through all this, I guess.

I am usually able to control some of my more "autistic" behaviors in public, like rocking, but lately I have not be able to control that - I just rock in the middle of a public place. I rock anywhere. I rock almost all the time.

I am already completely depressed. I was so depressed last night, I could not even read my book!!! ACK!!! That is bad.

Can it get worse? I guess so. Will it get worse? Probably.

Fun, fun...

Comic of the day

2009-08-03T10:03:00.000-04:00

Anxiety & sun allergies

2009-08-03T09:05:00.005-04:00

I'm still obsessively reading those books... I'm on the third round... I keep wondering how many pages I've read - I have to figure that out soon. I still am impressed that I'm reading so well, being dyslexic, though it is completely obsessive! My psych doesn't think this is a bad thing, and I cannot figure out why... unless she does not understand the nature of this. She says most people become obsessed with a book they are reading. I really don't think she understands HOW obsessed I am... that I can barely tear myself away from the books to do ANYTHING else. Even if she said it was bad I would not stop anyway - so what difference does it make what she says? ROFL!

But I think I've figured out why I'm doing this (other than the fact that I absolutely love the story) - I'm trying to avoid panic attacks and flashbacks. I'm avoiding LIFE basically.

This is the time that my dad was sick and dying 2 years ago (from June 29 - August 11) , and I was beginning to have major flashback problems just before this all started. Plus, every time I think about school starting soon, I have a major panic attack. And I'm having a hard time any time I read about the health care system Congress is voting on because I just know things are going to turn out very badly for my family.

So, instead of thinking or flashing back, I fill up all my free time with reading.

Whenever I am doing something that cannot possibly involve reading, my head is filled with pictures from the storyline and I just let it flow on and on and try to avoid THINKING. Since I think in pictures, this works out well - it is like I've already got a movie in my head of the books, which sometimes is not a good thing when an actual movie comes out and does not match MY movie... ugh I'm looking forward to November and dreading it in a way as well. For example, Edward looks completely different in my mind than the actor who plays Edward... the book describes him very differently (also one of his 'sisters', Rosalie). Plus the movie "Twilight" does not compare to the book in so many ways and it sometimes gets me VERY angry that they skipped/changed so much. So when the "New Moon" movie comes out, I know it will be the same - but part of me is longing for it to come out because it is NEW.

Anyway, this is working. Sort of. Sometimes I slip and have a flashback or panic attack anyway. Oh well.

I really should have taken a Xanax before beginning this post! Don't worry, I just did, lol... I'll feel better soon!

Anyway, I insisted on helping my mom with her garage/yard sale yesterday, even though I should not be in the sun. Yes, it was very cloudy, but that doesn't matter - the UV gets through the clouds. I have not been able to do very much to help her (or at least I feel like I have not) so I really wanted to do it.

Last night my skin was on fire, today I'm all bumps... the itch does not usually start for 24 hours after exposure, but it is sort of tingling now (which is about 24 hours after my FIRST exposure yesterday - then I had another 3+ hours exposure after that so by 1:30 pm I should be in full rash mode. Wish me luck.

I don't want to call her this morning, though, as I usually do. My mom was really worried about me reacting yesterday and kept telling me to leave (it was way too late by then, though!) Should I lie and tell her I am not reacting? She will see me tomorrow, so I cannot lie... or maybe I can for today at least. Will my brain LET me lie??? I doubt it. Ugh. I don't want her to feel bad - I did this to myself, she did not force me to do it.

Comic of the day

2009-07-31T18:24:00.002-04:00

I guess this one is a bit outdated... should be CD now, lol.

Sun allergy, flapping, brushing, endocrinologist and dentist

2009-07-30T10:11:00.006-04:00

DD1's sun allergy rash is about the same, maybe a little better. She went outside another day this week at 8PM and now has the rash on her hands now, too - even the palms (everything else was covered with clothing). She never got a rash on her palms before. This rash is so different than what she has gotten in the past. She has needed Benadryl every day because she has been so itchy, but at least it does not hurt! Though last night before bed she said she didn't need it... so maybe at least the itch is starting to wane. Last night she refused to go outside, even after it got dark. I cannot blame her.

DS is still flapping a lot. I'm considering beginning to brush him again. I need to find the brushes. I had bought a whole lot of them years ago and there was about 10 left that I didn't use... just WHERE ARE THEY??? Ugh. I don't think I have forgotten how to brush... at least I hope not! I may try joint compressions alone first and see if that helps. He is so big now - it would probably take 15 minutes to brush him and he would not want to stay still for that.

Gosh, I've been so tactile sensitive lately, I'm thinking about starting to brush myself again, too. I am itchy EVERYWHERE like bugs are crawling over every inch of my body. The biggest problem with that is that my arthritis is so bad lately that I would not be able to do the joint compressions and I know that is not a good thing... you do NOT do brushing without JC... so I probably won't do it.

We are going to my mom's today to do some packing and hopefully (if the storms don't pop up later) the kids will go in the pool after we have dinner.

I had the endocrinologist yesterday... nothing really new there... other than she said I MUST start taking those vitamins and SOON. I am very deficient. OK... but the "new medication phobia"? She said to see if I can get some drops. Hmmmm.... I wonder if drops would trigger my phobia??? Do I really want to throw away more money and try it? Is it throwing it away if it works? Hmmmm... anyway she is going to slowly back me off the hydrocortisone again and see what happens with my blood sugar. So I have to start taking it religiously again (I've been a bad girl about that - well it is more of an OCD thing like blood pressure - I either take it 10-20 times a day and my fingers are like pin cushions or... if I am so inclined to try to get control over the OCD symptom = none. I cannot just do it twice a day like she wants me to. Ugh!)

I have the dentist tomorrow. I finally figured out where the pain is coming from... the abscess is in full swing now and began to swell there - it is the bottom left crown that has it. The antibiotic is working to an extent but not fully. I'm scared because doxy is NOT a dental drug and they wanted to put me on something that I have never had before but I talked them into the doxy. Now the swelling is still there and some of the pain, too... but it IS getting better. If they give me a longer course of it, it WILL go away - it has in the past. Please let them listen to me? I will NOT be able to take a new antibiotic... I know I won't.

Gads, sometimes I really hate myself.

Comic of the day

2009-07-27T09:59:00.001-04:00

Update...

2009-07-27T09:01:00.003-04:00

I'm trying the "post options" to post this before the comic of the day - I wonder if it will work?

DD1's rash is getting worse... but not in the way I thought it would. It is getting more itchy and she has some of it on her back now, too. Poor kid. At least it is not painful or oozing... yet. I keep having to give her Benadryl.

I did not get the same rash I usually get, either. I'm very itchy, but no rash.

Weird. Very weird. Why did both of us have an atypical reaction?

I am thinking maybe DS's increased anxiety has something to do with my mom's impending sale of her house and move. We have gone to see a few condos with her... which kind of makes it a more "real" thing. Plus, we are helping her pack. He has a lot of trouble with certain kinds of change. It makes sense... but there is nothing I can do about this.

I am having trouble with it, too... with all of this moving stuff. This is a very tough summer for me. I've been extremely depressed.

My mom said she is not putting up any pictures of my father at her new place and that she can't wait to move and start a new life, leaving all her memories behind her at the old house.

Um... that does not sound very healthy to me.

I asked her if she wants to forget my father. She never did answer that question - she said she would like to start a new life. She can start a new life AND remember my father, I think... but apparently she does not. Then, of course, the kids interrupted and we never got back on that topic again.

I am thinking this attitude is not very good for her - she cannot expect to move and then the memories of my father will just disappear. How could they, unless she got amnesia? How could 40+ years of her life just disappear from her memory?

I am not as concerned with her NEED for this as what will happen when it does NOT happen. How will she react? Will that make things worse?

Ugh.

I think I will talk to my psych about this so I can be prepared.

Butterflies, hand flapping, dentist, sick again, go-carts and sun allergies...

2009-07-26T11:20:00.005-04:00

Ugh! Update time...

I don't think I have posted about the butterflies we are raising. This is the 3rd summer we have done this. We got the caterpillers in the mail a while back. Ten Painted Lady butterfly caterpillers. They look a lot like Monarchs, which nature did on purpose as a defense (Monarchs are poisonous). I will post pictures when I finally download them.

All of them survived and nine of them hatched from their chrysalis (cocoons) yesterday. The one that is left is turning black, which means it will hatch soon. We have a big net house for them and they are eating watermelon now, flying around. In a few days we will let them go. Last year, one came back and fluttered in front of us... almost as if it was saying, "Thank you!" It is pretty cool. The kids love watching the life cycle.

DS has started flapping his hands again. Ugh. He has not flapped for about 6 years... since he was 3 years old! Why now? Over the summer, usually his anxiety is down... why is this happening now? Up till now, most people have said he "does not seem autistic" because he doesn't do all the things people expect autistic people to do - like flapping. Last year he was banging his head at school (which the teacher did not feel was necessary to TELL me! ugh, don't get me started), and I found out about this when he was doing his homework and started head-banging on the table (and he told me he does it every day at school).

Because he "does not seem autistic" he has escaped from a lot of cruelty. But now if he's flapping at school - oh man. I'm scared for him. He is going to have a very rough year anyway (with last year's teacher being such a moron) and now this, too?

I went to the dentist on Friday to get the impressions for the crown. I was nice and calm... well, sort of... calmer than I was last week anyway (which means I did not feel like I was going to get sick all over the dentist - I guess I have a new dentist phobia?).

Well, he didn't like that I'm having so much pain. The whole left side of my face, head and neck are in pain. There is one spot that when I press on it, it sends lightening bolts of pain all over my body. The thing is, it is NOT where he was doing the work, that is on the top left. This is on the bottom left - where he did a crown about a year ago. He took an Xray and yep, I have an infection.

This happened last year, too. When he did the bottom left crown, the bottom right got an infection.

WHAT IS THIS??? My immune system is shot, that's what.

Anyway, I'm back on doxycycline (antibiotic) and I'm afraid any of this will trigger my visual snow (and other visual anomalies) to get worse again.

The dentist refuses to touch the temporary crown to even do the impression until the infection clears up. I have an appt next Friday, but if it is still hurting by Monday he wants me to call. I think he is terrified by the adrenal insufficiency, though he would not say it.

Anyway... so we went to have some fun last night at a go-cart and baseball practice cage place. The kids really enjoyed both! I was really surprised the girls liked hitting balls, and also that they are actually big enough to drive their own cars on the track! DH also enjoyed both. I watched, but had so much fun laughing at them driving - it was hilarious!

Actually, the first time I was a nervous wreck... I thought they were all having such a bad time, they looked absolutely terrified! Then they got off and were jumping up and down saying how much FUN that was!!! ROFL! The second time on the go-carts was when I was laughing because I knew they were having fun, so it made their expressions so funny.

But then, before we even left, DD1 got a rash. It is my fault completely. It was late and she's been ok after 7pm so I let her wear a short sleeve shirt and lightweight pants. I NEVER should have allowed that. She should have worn her UV-proof jacket and jeans. Now she has a rash on her arms (very bad) and some on her legs, too. It went right through the pants. OH man, do I feel guilty.

The thing is... this rash is different. It started up before we even left there, and she usually does not get a rash for 6-10 hours after exposure. It is smooth, when usually the rash she gets is like sandpaper. It is not itchy or painful unless someone touches the rash, and usually her rash is very itchy and painfull all the time.

So... what is this? Could the early puberty be changing her reactions? Most of the people on the sun-sensitive forum say that puberty/pregnancy/menopause changed their reactions (usually making them a LOT worse, but some women actually lost the sun allergy during pregnancy). I don't know. Is this a worse reaction since it showed up so quickly? Is this rash going to get worse with time, more like the old rash? Is she going to start oozing orange goo from her skin again??? Ugh.

I'm starting to get itchy too, which means I'll have the rash soon as well. It usually takes about 24 hours for me to get the rash. I should have worn my jacket as well, but I figured if DD1 wasn't wearing it, I was not going to either.

I hate this. I hate the sun. I hate summer. I hate allergies. I hate all my faulty genes that I passed on to my poor kids. I hate myself.

Comic of the day

2009-07-25T09:44:00.000-04:00

Carpal tunnel syndrome now too?

2009-07-24T16:47:00.003-04:00

How many more "bad" genes are we going to find I have passed along to my poor kids?

Now DD2 has carpal tunnel syndrome. Granted... it is not officially diagnosed yet, but her symptoms are the same as mine.

SHE IS NINE YEARS OLD!!!

It is very difficult not to feel guilty about all this when your kids tell you they'd rather not have been born than to live through all these things I have passed on genetically to them.

I have been thinking a lot about "If I could go back in time while I was trying to get pregnant, knowing what I know now, would I have gone through with it?" And, based on how my kids feel about themselves at NINE... I am not too sure I would... though at the same time I cannot imagine a world without them in it.

And yes, I'm still completely obsessed.

Comic of the day

2009-07-24T16:08:00.001-04:00

My favorite funnies...

2009-07-23T10:39:00.001-04:00

Sleepover, allergic reaction, arthritis and menopause

2009-07-21T09:48:00.007-04:00

The kids did very well at my mom's for the sleepover... other than not going to sleep till around 1am, during which 2 of the kids were crying for about 2 hours that they wanted to go home (ack, poor mom!). Other than the actual SLEEPING, they did very well, though... behaved themselves nicely, no fighting - wow!

Last night they went out to play for a while, then when they came in DD2 had an allergic reaction to something. First she had horrible pain in her belly, then developed a rash on one arm. It is a bad one, the one I get when I get something on my skin I am allergic to... not hives... and this will last for at least a week judging by what happens to me, poor kid!

It is almost like the PMLE rash that DD1 and I get from the sun, but a bit different. When DD2 saw it, she immediately thought she was becoming allergic to the sun and freaked out. If so, I really don't think it would only be on one arm since she was out in short sleeves and shorts... but I suppose anything is possible. Could just that one patch of skin have a sun allergy? We shall see.

I think it is more likely that it was something on the dog's leash she was holding. A neighbor brought over a dog and she was holding the leash for a while before coming in - but she insists it was not around her wrist. Dog food is loaded with eggs and a lot of it has peanuts in it (though the peanut butter is usually in treats) - plus who knows all the times someone took this dog for a walk that they might have just ate scrambled eggs or something and got it all over the leash. No more touching the dog's leash! I know if she had gotten peanuts on her skin it would have been a worse reaction since she had a much worse reaction from that in the past (G-d, please, never let that happen again!).

Anyway, last night I was in such pain from my back, neck and jaw and I couldn't figure out why... then this morning I woke up to a storm so that explains it. I thought last night's pain was bad? That was nothing compared to today's pain! I really hate having arthritis in my spine, neck and jaw! I can see it is in my other large joints too, now, since today they all hurt as well. I am not looking forward to this getting worse with time, but I know it will. Ugh!

Oh, and I'm having several hot flashes a day. WONDERFUL! It is really fun, fun, fun to have hot flashes! (sarcasm)

This has been going on for a few weeks now on and off, actually for months at night while I'm sleeping (you know, waking up completely drenched with sweat?) but only for weeks during the day... but the past week it seems to be constant - every day at least 10 hot flashes sometimes more.

I guess I'm really starting menopause now? Isn't 42 early? Maybe it is making up for all those irregular periods in my past - and soon those will be over??? PLEASE??? Pretty please, with sugar on top???

Now I have to start worrying about osteoporosis though? Hey, I shouldn't actually worry about getting it... if anyone can get it, it is pretty much guaranteed I will!

Oh gosh, that will mean taking more pills and I still have not taken the ones I was supposed to begin a couple of months ago. Ugh.

Sleepover and more about my obsession

2009-07-20T10:07:00.004-04:00

My mom took the triplets for the night last night. Ah... quiet. I cannot say the worry is less when they are on a sleepover, but at least it is quiet here for 24 hours! I actually worry more that they are ok and/or driving my mom nuts! LOL! I have to go pick them up in about 4 hours.

Anyway... Ugh... so I'm still completely obsessed but am forcing myself to spend a little time doing normal things... well "normal" for me anyway - like check my friends' blogs and the one forum I like most. Um... well... I read one thread on the forum anyway and even responded! WOW! And I'm forcing myself to come here and write something. I say 'force' because I'd rather be reading my books, to be honest.

Oh gosh, I know, this is really bad.

An Aspie/OCD combo is not good when one gets interested in something! It takes over completely. The only thing I've been able to do is stuff for the kids and they aren't here so this has been difficult for the past 20 hours!

OK, so... even though nobody wants to hear about this, I'm going to tell you anyway lol. Since there are no more books in the series and I was getting so absolutely depressed about this fact... I decided to read the half-story online from the hero's POV and the book from the heroine's POV at the same time, chapter by chapter, so I would get both views at the same time of the same events. But then the hero's POV ends abruptly after the 11th chapter so I went on with the book. Finished it last night - about to begin the second book as soon as I finish here.

OK I did something else... now I have to go read. Geeze, this is bad. I hope this fades eventually.

A completely un-Aspie thing about me...

2009-07-16T17:42:00.005-04:00

I am obsessed with "Beauty and the Beast/Should be Impossible Couple"-type love stories. Well, I guess the 'obsessed' part is very Aspie, but the 'love stories' part is not. Aspies typically like fact-based reading material and movies/TV shows.

Ok, now that I have "outed" myself, lol... my current obsession (and the reason I've been ignoring my blogs [and everyone else's] and all my forums and my email, etc.) for the past couple of days is the "Twilight Saga".

I know, I know... this series is supposed to be for teens and I'm 42 years old! Well... too bad...

I am completely and irreversibly obsessed... probably for the rest of my life. I know myself and this is not a 'just for right now' thing - this is forever. I have been reading the books every possible second, going without sleep even.

I haven't read in years, except on the internet, because my left eye wanders and it just takes too much effort to focus on books, plus I'm dyslexic and a very slow reader - but right now I would go through ANYTHING to read this story. I read all 4 novels in just a few days. We're talking thousands of pages here. I actually cried at the end of the 4th book because there was no more to read.

I know...I've gone insane, obviously.

Then I found on the author's web site a 264 page part (first 12 chapters) of the first novel from the hero's point of view (the books from the saga are written mostly from the heroine's POV, with only a section of the last one from another character's POV). I knew I absolutely LOVED reading my #1 favorite novel ("Pride and Prejudice") from the hero's POV and immediately knew I was going to love this one. I was not wrong.

But now that's over too... and there is no word about whether the author will ever finish the book. And I can NOT print this, it is locked... so I have to read it online and hope, hope, hope it never disappears! There seemed to have been a big uproar about the final book in the series and they lost a lot of their fan-base... so they might not publish the one that is only online. ARGHHHHHHH!!!!! I feel absolutely desperate to read the rest of the novel from the hero's POV!!!

I've watched the movie of the first novel several times already. I've read all the outtakes from the first novel... and am trying very hard NOT to go onto the page with the outtakes from the second novel at this point because I want something to look forward to for later tonight after the kids have gone to sleep (which is why I am here writing about my obsession rather than reading the outtakes as part of the obsession ROFL).

I am going to have to re-read all the books now. That's all I have left... until the second movie comes out in November anyway (then I can watch THAT one over and over, too).

How will I make it through till that movie goes to DVD, I wonder, so I can watch it over and over? I will have to sneak to the theater a few times during the day while the kids are at school, maybe. Gads, I hope I don't spend hundreds of dollars going to see it over and over.

Yeah I'm that obsessed.

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2009-07-13T10:34:00.001-04:00

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My parents... packing... sick again ugh... chat... friend in coma update

2009-07-12T09:51:00.004-04:00

I have a stomach virus again. It started shortly after I wrote my last post, so we did not end up going to my mom's house.

I feel really guilty I did not help her start packing - it was really the first day she was doing it and I didn't want to leave her to do it alone. Up to this point she has been going through stuff and throwing stuff out, but never actually packing up her things... the things they bought together and he isn't here anymore, which is the reason she needs to move out of the big house.

One cannot understand my parents' relationship without hearing a bit about it... it is not the typical married couple's relationship. They were 'joined at the hip' as the saying goes. My dad was a city firefighter for 20 odd years, but everything else they did together, including running side businesses. After he retired (hurt on the job), they were together 24/7 - except after I had the triplets and my mom would come help me twice a week, and occasional trips to the store - but that is IT... the rest they did TOGETHER, even some of the stores! They got along very well, never really fought. They were extremely well suited for each other. If one had an interest, the other shared in the experiences of it... period.

And... he is gone... and she is pretty much lost - though not as badly as it was at first.

Anyway, packing up the house is a very hard thing for her to do, and I couldn't be there for the first (and probably the most difficult) day. I feel horribly guilty.

We were thinking today might do for a make-up day, but unfortunately my stomach is not quite ready to allow me to do that (just had breakfast and that is not sitting well, lol). Maybe tomorrow.

I sure hope tomorrow, because I don't think we could try it again till next weekend, though I need to really sit down with the calendar and figure it out, but this virus is making me very confused. I know I have doctor appts this week but maybe we could go afterwards... well no not after I get the prep for the crown at the dentist! My TMJ is going to be really bad after that!

I did go to a chat the other day on my visual snow forum I am on, which was fun. I have not chatted since February (oh, no... don't go there - not ready for that yet - need to close that folder in my mind and lock it up for now!)

I found out the person who was in a coma I was talking about a few posts ago is not doing much better. That is not very encouraging news. I was hoping to hear from his fiance that he was getting back to 'normal'... but that brief optimism did not pay off. He is not waking up, though he is still partially aware and responding to some commands when being examined by doctors. They are putting in a trach tube. Ugh. So he is not even breathing on his own??? I had not known that.

What's a happenin' here...

2009-07-10T10:22:00.007-04:00

Ok, so my depressed mood is not as bad as it was, but it is still hanging around.

Maybe not even being able to go to the bathroom without someone trying to have a conversation with me through the door has something to do with it? I have absolutely no privacy, no time to myself. While I sit here typing this, I am interupted many times and the kids come in to try to see what I'm doing (also trying to look like they are NOT looking at the screen - but you cannot fool me!). I was going to count how many times I got interupted but I didn't want to get myself that upset, lol.

I lay down the rules, and remind them CONSTANTLY, but they just don't follow rules at home like they do at school. I need to carry around some sort of recording device where I can enter in things I say over and over again, have them numbered and hit the button whenever I need them so I don't have to keep saying them... things like: "We do NOT have conversations through bathroom doors" and "We do NOT hit, kick, punch, pinch or pull hair" and "If you don't want it done to you, don't do it to anyone else" and "Look both ways before crossing a street" and "Do NOT run out in front of cars" and "If a door is closed, KNOCK before entering" and "When your turn on the computer is over, it is over" and "When I say to do something, do it!" - oh gosh I probably have thousands of them I could really use in this machine.

I have to try to be very specific about the rules, more specific than above, because of the literal understanding my kids have. I was the same way as a kid, and truly did NOT understand why when someone said one thing, they meant it to include other similar things as well. My parents, not knowing I was on the autism spectrum, thought I was trying to be disobedient or "fresh" (which is another term I was very confused about - after all "fresh" is usually a good thing!).

But the problem there is that maybe it took me 30 years to figure out, but now I DO understand that things apply to more than what was stated (in most cases - but I need to really think about this still). Sometimes I forget about the literal understanding thing and don't think out all the implications of what I'm saying even though I am aware of it through first-person experience and 9 years of second-person experience.

The "Do NOT run out in front of cars" rule for example - that does not include trucks, SUVs, buses, motorcycles, etc. So it has to be more like "motor vehicles", but you see that doesn't work all the time either, because what if someone is on a bicycle or scooter or skateboard, etc.? But at least I have found that "motor vehicles" works for most things and they probably won't get killed if they walk out in front of someone riding a foot-powered scooter.

The thing is, they DO NOT remember these rules no matter how many times I say them. Or just remember them sometimes. Most of the time, it is just annoying that they don't think this rule applies to this situation... but it can get dangerous when they are riding their bikes or crossing the street.

Then we are having a problem with not being able to let go of a subject this year. For example, "I want a dog!" I've been hearing that about 1000 times a day since they've been out of school. How many times do I have to say "NO!" before that gets let go? I think it is going to be close to a million NO!'s before that ends, to be honest. I've tried explaining the reasons (the first 10 times a day) but that does no good once someone gets 'stuck' on a subject.

Anyway, last night my husband said to me, "The summer is almost over!" and I went off on him about there still being 2 months worth of summer - the kids will be home for another 2 months! I still cannot understand where he got the impression that summer is almost over...

On to another subject... An old friend from my ol' drinking days, when I first met DH and was self-medicating so I could be social, is having his annual party on the 18th of July. Twenty odd years ago when I met DH, I was practiced at this social stuff. I am not now, no matter how much I drink lol. This guy calls DH often and is always bugging me to get out and come over with DH when he plays poker over there (this guy lives poker - he has a game going on at his house every single night). I don't like poker that much and don't want to be with a bunch of strangers. I use the excuse (which is not really an excuse) that I have to watch the kids.

Every year he wants me to come over for his annual party, but usually calls last minute. This year's party he has given me plenty of warning... so it is more difficult to get out of. And it won't be all strangers, some of these people are the people we used to hang out with 20 years ago - won't it be nice to catch up with old friends?

No, it won't. For a few reasons.

One is that, as I said above, I am not anywhere near as good with social stuff as I was 20 years ago. I'd probably spend most of the time with a major panic attack and they'd need to call an ambulance for me (especially if I had already started drinking then took Xanax to help with the panic attack!) and if not then it would be sheer torture.

Second is that I don't look anything like I did 20 years ago. My medical conditions have made me into this disgustingly fat THING. I would much rather they remember the decent looking, social person from 20 years ago! (Though if you asked me 20 years ago, I would say I was disgusting and ugly at that time... but looking back at pictures I really wasn't... now I really AM!!!)

Third, I don't want all this to embarrass DH. If I told him any of that, he'd say I'm being ridiculous so as not to hurt my feelings, but I know this is true. It has to be. It is a fact.

So, I won't be going.

But it is not helping my mood to be thinking about all this, either.

Today we go to my mom's to help her pack some stuff and the kids will go in the pool after dinner.

Yesterday, DD1 had a great dentist visit - perfect. Yay! MIL was over here yesterday and she didn't insult me once... so all in all I guess yesterday was a good day lol.

Family problems... vacations... 'women stuff'

2009-07-08T13:14:00.007-04:00

Did I post about the problems I've been having with my family lately? I don't think so. If so, ignore me, I need to vent!

I've been getting a lot of flak from my family lately about going on vacations and such. It just isn't in the cards for us, but nobody can understand. My sister and her husband and my mother (of all people) ganged up on me and (it felt like) ATTACKED... my kids will not have ANY good memories of their childhood. I cannot believe they said that and meant it!!! Obviously, my mother and MIL have been discussing this because MIL came at me a few days earlier or later (can't remember which) with a similar argument.

Why does "having good childhood memories" have to revolve around vacations... packing suitcases and going away somewhere???

Where are we supposed to go when there are so many reasons not to...

we cannot even enter a restaurant because of the food allergies,
cannot go outdoors during the day because of the sun
my son is allergic to mosquitoes so night activities are limited, too
most of the family is allergic to bug repellent, so nobody can wear that either to prevent the mosquitoes from coming near us, either My lungs close up if I get near anyone with bug repellent on, or near citronella even, and the kids cannot put it on or they get rashes.
the kids (not to mention ME) are all on the autism spectrum and do NOT like changes... though with enough of a warning they are ok with a "fun day out" kind of change. They have specific things they want to do at specific times in a specific order, especially at night. How the heck am I supposed to provide THAT if we are on vacation?

What the heck do they expect from me?

I'm trying the best I can to find fun, INDOOR activities for the kids to do that do not involve food (though everything involves the possibility of coming across food proteins they are allergic to - Monday I took the kids to an indoor playground and found almonds all over the floor which *I* had to clean up before my daughter went anaphylactic on us! When I pointed them out to the attendant she said, "Nobody is supposed to eat in here" and just stood there "duh duh, what should I do?"). I invite family members along and sometimes they come... but it seems like nothing I do is enough to satisfy my family.

I swear, I feel like getting into bed, rolling up into a ball with the covers over my head and never, ever, ever coming out.

My mood is affecting my body and I'm in so much pain I can barely function. Every muscle in my body seems to be in spasm, my herniated disk is killing me and my sciatica has been getting better and worse all week. My arms and legs get the 'pins-n-needle' feeling quite often and go numb from time to time.

I am hoping the visit to the psychologist tonight will be helpful.

OK... WARNING... there are some "woman things" coming up - so males reading this might not want to read about them...

I've gotten my period twice in the past couple of weeks. I swear I'm a complete mess.

I'm very frustrated with my period. It has rarely been regular my whole life. It is one of those things doctors cannot explain and so they just shrug off. "Everything is normal" they tell me. Well, how can that be???

They won't even see me unless I have at least 3 irregular months in a row, and for some reason I never do have 3 in a row. Sometimes I have even lied just to be examined because this is NOT normal - but every single time I'm examined they find nothing wrong. So what is going on???

Why can't I exercise without getting my period? I cannot even do very much walking without getting it. What the heck is WRONG with me? I search the internet occasionally to see if ANYONE on earth has this same problem. The only thing I ever come up with is the opposite - women who exercise too much usually LOSE their period. Why can't I do ANY exercise without GETTING it???????

What triggered it this time? Was it because I did a lot of standing the last couple of days? Can I not even STAND UP for long anymore without getting it?

I would have gotten a hysterectomy when they did the c-section for the triplets, but the doctor didn't want to do that since it was possible none of them would survive. He said it was my choice, but obviously there was no going back once it was done... and I was too scared. Though to be honest, I do not think I could possibly have survived (psychologically) another round of fertility treatments and the hormone/emotional roller coaster ride that goes along with that.

I have "fibroids" that could be causing the period problems but they are supposedly too small to cause any problems at all... and the reason I put quotes around that word is because they seem to disappear and reappear from time to time and the only doctor who noticed this (of course *I* did notice the pattern with the ultrasounds, but nobody believed me until one doc actually SAW it on 2 consecutive ultrasounds) said they are probably not fibroids.

So - what are they? Huh? Huh??? Somebody tell me what they are? The ultrasounds, when they are actually THERE, show them all to be the same size every time. So... what are they?

I'm so broken and abnormal and in a lot of ways backward from the norm, there is just no way around it.

I have just GOT to be from another planet!!!

I found the poem I wrote a while back...

2009-07-05T11:57:00.003-04:00

Darkness

by Tripletmom

darkness surrounds
penetrates
it is within
envelops the soul
seeps out through the pores
casts shadows on all that was once light

the darkness is heavy
pulling down... down
swirling until all is confused
almost inescapable vortex
there is no end
suffocating blackness... depression

thoughts come unbidden
dreadful memories past
vision, scent, touch, sound
overwhelming emotions
all experienced as if it were now
torturing the mind and body

the mind realizes this is not now
NO! STOP!
change the thought
redirect the mind
make busy the body
concentrate on the task

thoughts slip back to memories relived... i am there
redirect again... and again
exhausting battle
heaviness in the center
sighs lift the heaviness briefly
it returns swiftly

pain throughout body
legs, arms, body
body is buzzing with pain
like fingernails on chalkboard throughout
keeping me awake
must keep moving to keep pain at bay

constant battle
constant battle
while awake at night
memories invade... relived
redirect thoughts, pain, move, sigh
redirect thoughts, pain, move, sigh

finally find a comfortable spot
pain stops
thoughts stop
blackness pulling down stops
fall asleep
nightmares invade

awake... constant anxiety
worry, fret
everything big and small
things that have happened
things that will happen
things that may happen

things happen
i see many outcomes
i cannot help it, cannot stop it
outcomes play out
visual thinker
i see it and feel it

hopelessness
despair
black vortex pulls downward
will this end?
i am broken
i am broken

New day... a bit better mood...

2009-07-05T11:48:00.005-04:00

My mood was pretty bad during the day yesterday, even though we had sort-of a 4th of July party - I couldn't shake it and was actually ACTING depressed... which is rare for me. I am a pretty good actor apparently; even those closest to me cannot tell what kind of mood I am in unless I tell them.

It seemed to 'come to a head' in the early evening, and then suddenly the dark clouds and heavy feeling began to lift.

I am doing better today, though not great. I guess much better? Not sure how to quantify it.

Everything went fine with diner last night other than MIL saying some nasty things about me to my mom, who was very upset but did not want to talk about it with me till today. She just kept saying MIL was upsetting her but not why... I knew why though. MIL is always saying things - she just usually says them TO me, not to my mom! Oh well. My mom told me on the phone today... the usual stuff, nothing new lol.

We went outside after it got dark to watch fireworks. The kids have been used to the "BOOMS" from the last week since people in the area were setting off blockbusters, so that was not a problem. Wow, our neighborhood really got a lot of nice fireworks this year! I'm talking just regular people, not professionals. In New York, it is illegal for people to have fireworks, but that does not usually stop them, lol. The recession must have made the price of the really nice ones come down this year, though, and more people had them. The whole sky was filled with them.

It was very nice... other than me having to pull mosquitoes off my face and neck and hair every couple of seconds (GADS they are getting bigger than I have ever seen in NY! The only place I've ever seen them this big was in Houston, TX) - if DH was not busy talking to a neighbor I probably would have gone inside.

We were out pretty late last night and by the time the pretty fireworks ended, the kids were completely exhausted. The big BOOMS that went till the wee hours of the morning did not even wake them up! Amazingly, the first child up this morning was at 9:40am! So I even got to sleep late this morning! Wooo hooo!

We are having a much needed, very boring day today. I told DH I'm taking a looooooong nap this afternoon - hopefully that will help my mood even further. Sleep always helps.

In a bad way...

2009-07-04T10:09:00.002-04:00

I am severely allergic to fish and shellfish. I even have a reaction if I get cod liver oil on my hand. I usually stay very far away from my husband if he eats either of the above. Last night I was in such a bad mood that I purposely kissed him (several times) even though he had clam sauce for dinner. Granted, it was quite a few hours later and he had eaten again and drank a lot in between - but usually I would have waited a day. I didn't care last night, and did not think that anyone else would care either.

This is not good.

I have my mom and MIL coming over here today for a BBQ (we will eat inside though - out of the sun) and I just cannot get myself motivated to do anything. I need to clean the house; I need to give the kids showers; I need to take a shower myself. I have done absolutely nothing. I should have done half of the cleaning yesterday, and I did NOTHING.

This is not good.

A day in the life of Tripletmom and 3 yr 4 month old triplets with High Functioning Autism

2009-07-02T18:34:00.001-04:00

(Written in September 2003, after the triplets had begun preschool)

I need to get up at least an hour before I am needed to do anything child-related. This is MY time, time to wake up, time to recover from the pain which always accompanies laying down for a few hours, time to eat something, time to get my brain working, time to catch up with my online friends. So, I set my alarm for 5am and hope it wakes me up. I eat breakfast in front of the computer and have some coffee.

At 6:15, it is time to start getting things ready for the children. Downstairs I go and start making 2 lunches and 3 breakfasts. The children are very picky eaters and there are only two choices for breakfast and one for lunch, which makes it easy. This takes exactly a ½ hour.

6:45 Time to wake up the kids, change their diapers and dress them. None of them have the ability to dress themselves. There is a very specific routine which must be followed or else meltdown occurs. The entire time we are in their room, DS and DD2 whine, repeating that they want to go to school about 2000 times each. No matter what I have tried, they continue to do this. DD1 only wants to dawdle and we get into a power struggle every day. She screams and whines because she wants to play and look at books instead of getting changed. She is in a very defiant stage right now, and usually will not do anything I ask her to do unless I get very angry. Sometimes I pretend to be angry before I get there so I do not get too upset, because I know there is a lot of frustration about to happen for me.

It seems all this is now part of our morning time routine. By the time we head downstairs for breakfast, my nerves are fried. The kids are delayed in gross motor skills and need assistance going down the stairs, so I must take them down one by one.

Every single thing we do has a very specific ritual associated with it. Each child has their own ritual. I must do or say certain things at specific times during these rituals or meltdown will occur, so I have to pay attention. Going downstairs the first time for the day is no exception. Some days the child is more anxious and more steps are added to the ritual, or the ritual must be performed more times than usual to feel “right”. This is time consuming. Whenever they add more steps I cringe because we run the risk of that becoming part of the ritual forever!

7:30 The kids should be sitting down for breakfast, and unless there has been a meltdown they usually are. They are still in highchairs because they are so hyperactive, I cannot get them to sit for more than a couple of seconds at a time in a chair. They will not eat sitting at a table.

I start serving the first one down before going back up for the others, so by the time DD1 (who is always last because of the power struggle we have in getting her to go downstairs) gets into her chair, the first one down is finished. I hand this child his/her toothbrush and let them brush his/her teeth while I give DD1 her breakfast. Then it is my turn to brush his/her teeth. I wash his/her face and comb his/her hair. Then give the second one down his/her toothbrush. I cannot do these things in the bathroom, they need to be restrained in the highchair or else they run away from me. The second one down brushes his/her teeth while I take the first into the bathroom to wash his/her hands, and send the first one into the living room to watch Clifford. My turn to brush the second ones teeth, etc, then take him/her to wash hands.

All through this I must remind DD1 to eat breakfast every 5 seconds. She is easily sidetracked and cannot remember what she is supposed to be doing. She verbal stims non-stop. Most of the time DD1 is not finished with breakfast by the time the other 2 are in the living room, so I continue to remind her to eat as I put socks and shoes on the other two.

If DD1 is still not finished by this time, I take her breakfast away and brush her teeth, and follow the same routine as the others.

8:15 DH is now ready for work and comes down to help me finish and KEEP the kids ready for school and take them out to the bus.

The bus should be here to pick up the kids at this time, but rarely is. I put the kids coats while DH plays with them and puts their backpacks on and gives DS and DD2 their lunch boxes. They watch Clifford till the bus shows up as they run around and play with DH.

BUS: DH and I make sure the kids have all the stuff they need to bring, and we take them out to the bus all at one time. The kids love the bus and love school, so when the bus pulls up in front of the house, they are all cheering and excited. The girls want to run, so we let DS out first because he takes tiny baby shuffle-steps and slow them down (this walk is only used to go out to the bus, he has a different walk included into each of his rituals). They all get on the bus, the aide straps them in, and DH and I stand outside waving to them as they pull away.

DH and I take a deep breath and walk into the house. We usually have a cup of coffee together before he leaves for work. I do some housework or go food shopping while DD1 is in school.

11:30 I start getting ready for DD1 to come home from school. I make her lunch and mine and then enjoy the last few minutes of silence.

11:50 DD1’s bus drops her off. We eat lunch together and then she needs to unwind by watching a little TV. After that, if she does not fall asleep while watching TV, we either go outside or go to a store together. It is nice to have some time alone with her. Stores are becoming another power struggle and usually end up in meltdown, each time is getting worse, so I have been trying to do this before she gets home.

Every other day DD1 gets a bath sometime before 2:30.

Today the power struggle began before we went into the house. She says she does not want to live here anymore, wants a new house. It was raining, and we both were getting soaked, but she had a meltdown outside (I had to carry her inside) and this went on for quite a while inside before I could calm her down. Once she was calm, she was fine, and we went about our usual routine. Something stressful must have happened at school today and she saved up her anxiety until she got home.

2:30 I start getting snack ready for when DS and DD2 get home. DD1 and DD2 still drink milk from a bottle, DS refuses milk now and gets a sippy cup with apple juice and water. This is a problem because he is such a picky eater and refuses meat, he was getting his protein from milk. I have adjusted his diet to include more bread, cheese and snacks with protein.

3:10 DS and DD2’s bus drops them off. They walk into the house like zombies. If DD1 is awake, she greets them at the door and joins them for a snack. If not, she sleeps through snack and gets her bottle when she wakes up.

When I talk to them, they usually have a meltdown, so I just allow them to eat and drink in silence. They need this down time. I set the kitchen timer to limit time for snack. When the timer rings, they know it is time to go in the living room. They watch TV for a little while for more down time. I have found this to be best. They usually play with toys while they listen to the TV.

Every day either DS or DD2 gets a bath at this time. I must have the TV on to leave the room, and I must leave the room to give baths.

Baths are a nightmare. Since school started, the kids’ anxiety levels are much higher and they have gone back to their old ways of hating baths and having meltdowns. Baths are exhausting for me and for them.

When DS gets a bath, at about 3:30 DD2 starts screaming and crying at the top of her lungs and it only stops to eat dinner (sometimes she screams and cries between bites), and then continues till she falls asleep. If she gets a bath, it starts earlier.

Once the kids adjust to being home, they start fighting over toys, hitting, kicking, pulling, biting and scratching each other. I have to keep on top of them all the time.

4:15 I start getting dinner ready. Again, since they are so picky there is not much to choose from. Repeat breakfast time routine.

5:30 I put on a favorite video and now it is my time to eat. Usually my husband is not home till late, so I eat alone and try to read a book. I have 30 minutes to make dinner, eat and clean up.

6:00 With the favorite video still on, I sneak upstairs to have a cup of coffee by the computer and take an email break.

6:15 Time to make bottles/sippy cup for their bedtime snack (the bottles have medication in them). I sit on the couch, DD1 sits on my lap, DD2 sits on my left side crushed between me and the couch back (she likes deep pressure), and DS sits on the arm of the couch with my arm around him holding him up. This is my favorite time of day. They sit for a few minutes.

6:30 DD2 usually finished first and wants to start the bedtime routine. She usually is not crying through this ritual. The “getting ready for bed” ritual is the same for all three kids. First she takes her shirt and pants off (NOT my idea), moves the stool into position under the sink, washes her hands, then fills the bathroom sink with water and plays. I set the kitchen timer and she knows when it rings she must push the plunger down and let the water out. Then she sits on the toilet and drinks 5 sips of water (dumping out the cup in between each one). She pushes the stool back where it belongs, shuts off the light and closes the door. I must lock the door from the outside with a hook lock. She climbs up onto the changing table and looks at the picture on the diaper while I wash her. I put the diaper on and put on her pajamas. She climbs down and shuts off the light, and runs to the refrigerator. I haven’t the slightest idea how this started, but then we open the refrigerator and I ask her where everything is. Always in the same order, if I deviate there is a meltdown. Salad and coffee are always last, then she closes the door and runs into the diaper change room, turns on the light and rides the horse (toy horse on springs) for 2 minutes. I make a beep-beep sound like the kitchen timer and she gets down off the horse and runs to the living room. Time for DS, he does exactly the same routine (he cannot drink from the cup, but pours it into the sink). Then DD1 (who tries to drink from the cup but chokes on it).

EVERY STEP of this for all three kids must be prompted (verbal or hand-over-hand (HOH)) by me. They cannot do most things without a prompt. For example: Even washing their hands, each step of washing must be verbal prompted, plus the actual washing of the hands must be hand-over-hand. I let them try to do it without HOH, but they still do not understand how to do it. Verbal prompts are ignored at least 5 times, so I must repeat it many times. It is exhausting for me.

Detailed description of washing hands: (remember these are repeated many times except HOH) open the door, turn on the light, take off shirt (HOH), take off pants, stool, (I turn on the water because they all turn it on too hot, verbally reminding them how to turn it on and which way so it isn’t too hot), wet hands, soap (HOH usually, sometimes they remember how to do this), rub hands together (HOH), wash the backs (HOH), rinse off soap (HOH), turn off water, step down, come to towel, dry hands (HOH), stool.

DD1 being last is the worst possible thing for me because my patience is already worn thin, but I cannot deviate from this or else I have 3 meltdowns. DD1 takes at least 10-15 (sometimes more) verbal prompts to do every single step. She is constantly distracted, so once she starts a step, the prompts must be started over again. For her, anything that is not completed must be started over from the beginning again.

Then I go upstairs and get their room ready (taking a 10 minute email break to calm down).

7:30 (Yes, it takes an hour to do that!)

Then the bedtime routine below begins...

An example of "complex" rituals of my kids

2009-07-02T17:48:00.003-04:00

Written on May 12, 2003, to explain to the doctor who was diagnosing my kids (for the second time) what I mean by their "complex rituals". I explained one of DD2's rituals in detail because the other 2 seemed to copy hers at the time... now they have all their own rituals which can make bedtime - exhausting - let alone any other time of the day. Bedtime is usually the longest rituals, though. Based on how many times these things have to be repeated, it can take a VERY LONG time to get through all this.

****************************************

They copy each other's rituals, then modify them to make them their "own". One will start the ritual, usually DD2, then the other 2 imitate it and individualize it.

Note: when I say “a certain number of times” or “#”, this seems to change over time. It seems on more stressful days, it is repeated more often before they are satisfied than on less stressful days.

DD2:

Going upstairs at naptime:

She must flip certain light switches (each switch must be flipped a different number of times), stamps feet on the kitchen floor a certain number of times, runs back and forth across the dining room # times, runs back into the kitchen to say bye-bye to siblings, must go back into dining room to walk on the imaginary line that's on the dining room floor (when the sun is shining through just the right way, there really is a line of sunlight there), runs to the stairs and then run away and start the whole thing all over again # times,

(from here on, it’s the same as bedtime at night, there is also a light switch for the stairs) When she makes it to the stairs DD2 has to go up 2 steps then down one and stop to bounce 3 times and sing. Once she gets to the top of the stairs she has to touch every door in the hallway a certain way, the door to the bedroom must be closed and opened until it’s “just right”, she needs to touch certain toys on the shelves (must touch certain parts of the body of each toy in a certain order and a certain way, if the order or way is messed up it must be repeated). Then I have to rock her and sing “rock-a-bye-baby” and put her down in her crib at a certain point in the song. Then I can go down and get one of her siblings. Once all the children are upstairs, she has usually gone in her diaper and I must change her (another ritual) and start over at the point where we came into the room last time. (I find it’s best to bring her up first if possible, or else she’ll go after I’ve left the room and I have to come back in and do the blanket ritual again with all three kids – at night we read to the kids before blankets, at naptime we don’t read. When I read, the last book must be “Goodnight Moon”, but not when my husband reads. During reading the door MUST be closed.)

It’s time for blankets. DD2 has to jump up and down a certain number of times while counting and then throw herself down on the mattress, and adjust herself for her body to be in the exact same position as usual. The crib rails must be at exactly the right place judged by how they line up with DD1’s crib rails (even 1/4” out of place is a problem). The blanket is put on her back in just the right way, she raises her feet, I tuck the blanket under them, she lowers her feet. Then I must push the hair off her face, and turn on the musical toy in her crib.

After putting the blankets on everyone, I must reset her musical toy to start over, turn on the toy aquarium (bubble and wave noises plus music), turn on the “rainstick” toy (little balls fall down over pegs like a waterfall). This is a wind-up toy, and every time I wind it is counted. It’s difficult to turn on these toys without moving them, which can create a problem because they have to be in the exact place they always are.

Then it’s time to tickle noses and say goodnight. Saying goodnight is another ritual. The door must be closed just the right way.

If my husband reads to the kids, I leave the room and do the “saying goodnight” ritual before he reads. They have a different ritual with him after he reads.

Does your sunscreen work?

2009-07-02T17:40:00.000-04:00

http://www.ewg.org/cosmetics/report/sunscreen09?utm_source=ss-test2&utm_medium=email&utm_content=first-link&utm_campaign=toxics

Environmental Working Group's newest sunscreen report:

Does your sunscreen work? Surprisingly, 3 of 5 brand-name sunscreens either don’t protect skin from sun damage or contain hazardous chemicals — or both. An Environmental Working Group investigation of 1,571 sunscreens rates the season’s best — and worst.

Some companies have responded to EWG’s 3-year campaign for safer, more effective sunscreens. 70% of sunscreen products now contain strong UVA filters, compared to 29% last year. The bad news: much UVA protection is still too thin to save your skin. Don't waste your money or risk your skin on sunscreens that don’t deliver. Use our 2009 Sunscreen Guide to find better products.

Update on my life... PTSD... my father's birthday...

2009-07-02T09:54:00.005-04:00

Ok, so I think my depression which had kicked in over the weekend was making my whole outlook about the forum thing much worse than it should have been and put me in the "I'm such a loser, everything is my fault" mood. My mood is getting a bit better and I'm not as inclined to feel this whole thing is my fault... only part of it ;\ . At least that is better than the former.

Going to my mom's on Monday was nice but sad, too. My dad's birthday was the day he turned yellow and the whole finding-out-about-the-cancer thing began 2 years ago... so not only is it a day of missing my dad but also one of bad memories.

I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder, for those who do not know) and re-live a LOT of bad memories. It is more of a generalized PTSD, not a specific one. I re-live MANY MANY MANY bad memories, and sort of get 'stuck' in them at times... as if I am there... full sensations even (sounds, smells, touch, emotion, etc.) Usually PTSD is associated with ONE traumatic event, from what I've read (though I have not delved too far into this subject, surprisingly) - but my past life is filled with traumatic events!

So, I expect the next 5 weeks to chock-full of PTSD flashbacks. Really looking forward to this (not). I sure hope with time this will get better, but based on past experience I do not think so. The time past from the event does not seem to make any difference.

For example, I still re-live September 11th periodically - it does not have to be a date associated with 9/11. I don't know what triggers these sometimes and others I do. My biggest problem is that since I am a visual thinker, when I read any articles or heard any stories from 9/11, that transferred into a sort of second-person movie in my head... and my brain associated all the sensations that it could to the event... as if I was there as an observer but still fully experiencing the event.

I digress... though my readers should be used to THAT by now!

At my mom's we wrote a message to my father (and to others who have recently passed on - which surprisingly was DD2's idea) on some helium filled balloons and let them go at sundown (my father's favorite time of the day). It was nice. (Hopefully we didn't kill any birds who might have tried to eat the latex balloons once they popped).

The kids went in the pool afterwards and had a great time.

Tuesday was a day of cleaning (and brooding for me). I really had no energy to do anything but forced myself to do a few things. The kids helped me (only after the threat of everything being thrown away in the big black garbage bag I was carrying if they didn't lol).

Wednesday, MIL came over and I did some much needed food shopping. My least favorite pastime. Well, probably not my least favorite but I don't have time to make a list and figure out where it ranks rofl. But hey, I did not have any old men following me around this time! Gotta look for a positive!

We had a very heavy thunderstorm... guess when? Yep, you guessed it (I assume)... just as I was taking $300 worth of food out to the van. I'm surprised it didn't hail. Lightening striking all around me. Oh, yeah that was fun. I pulled the van up onto the back patio, to unload. I was hoping that is NOT where the cesspool was and I'd end up dying by drowning in sh*t (we have no idea where it is on our property, the cesspool guy thinks it might be on the neighbor's property even lol). The van did not sink into anything and everyone made a chain inside the house and I unloaded that way... worked out very nicely actually.

Hmmmmmm... I did not get struck by lightening, it did not hail, I did not sink into the cesspool and MIL did not insult me yesterday - so I guess it was a good day.

Ah, see... finding those silver linings. I'm trying anyway.

Oh and I went to the psychologist last night, finally. Neither of us could remember when the last time I was there, but it was a long time ago. Months maybe. Maybe not - but it feels that way. There was so much that happened in between I didn't know what to say.

Today the kids go to the pdoc (psychiatrist), and that's about it for any major plans.

I cannot believe I ruined everything...

2009-06-30T12:29:00.005-04:00

No matter that my intentions were for the good of the forum I am on... I think I have completely ruined it. It might not be directly my fault, but it is indirectly my fault.

When that man's fiancee told me about him being in a coma, she said she did not want to make a general announcement but was not sure who else she should tell about this. I had suggested the moderators and a former moderator, and the owner of the forum... and asked her if she wanted me to PM the owner of the forum for her... and she said yes. What a horrible mistake that was.

This is a medical forum. Most of the members come there looking for support because they are frightened and usually very angry about having this condition. They are angry about doctors not believing and/or knowing anything about this condition.

There are a few members who seem to love having this condition - which is completely incomprehensible to me.

I'm usually someone who can, if I try hard enough, see both sides of every argument - and even argue a point opposite my firm beliefs if I need or want to. I would have been a good debater... if I had been actually able to speak in front of groups of people.

But how some people could LOVE this medical condition is completely beyond my ability to understand. I used to be able to just accept it... and can understand others who have, over time, been able to accept it... but LOVE it???

This forum has been a sort of 'home' for me for many years. The owner had disappeared off the forum many years ago and the person who is ill right now took over and is the administrator of the forum. There are two moderators who this man appointed.

When I contacted the owner... he posted a message on the forum saying he needed to add an administrator. OMG! My first thought was that one of the "I love this medical condition" people would apply first...

Why he did not upgrade one, or both, of the moderators to have administration permissions, I do not know. The person who is ill TRUSTED these moderators! Of course they would be the first choice!!!!!!!!!

Several people answered the message... but the owner did not appoint any of them nor the moderators... he appointed someone else... someone who barely posts to the forum (at least not in this name). This makes absolutely no sense to me.

This person has recently said he thinks this medical condition is a "gift" and has also recently brought up that this condition is possibly the result of a belief system that relies on, through meditation, calling a magical creature that we all have in our spinal fluid who controls our states of consciousness... and when the person does this meditation the wrong way things like this medical condition result.

Ummmm.... ok... that's fine if he wants to believe that and it does not affect the rest of the forum...

But to make him the administrator of the forum... OMG!

What did I do????

So... unfortunately... my good intentions of suggesting to contact the owner of the forum have resulted in a HUGE problem for the future of this forum. I should have just offered support to the fiancee. I never thought something like this would result from my trying to help her out and make things easier for her so she didn't have to write so many PMs while she was so upset!

I know (hopefully) when the man who is ill recovers, he is going to hate me for doing this. I feel like... no not even kicked him as the saying goes... like I stabbed him in the back while he was down.

And I stabbed the whole forum in the back, too, except the "I love this medical condition" minority!

I finally 'get' the full meaning of the saying, "No good deed ever goes unpunished!"

.

100th post!

2009-06-29T14:03:00.003-04:00

Hey, happy 100th post to my blog! Wow... I had no idea I wrote that much already!

I was hoping I would still have as much time to read and post blogs over the summer, but it seems so far I am not. I guess things will settle down once we get into a routine.

The person I spoke about yesterday is out of a coma and doing some better, thankfully. Hopefully he will recover without too much brain damage. I have a feeling I am being overly optimistic, though. I keep expecting him to post to the forum and say there has been a terrible mistake and someone is making up lies about him being sick... but so far that has not happened.

I was never very, very close with him, but have been on the forum with him for so many years I have lost track, and he has been part of my everyday life. We've exchanged some private messages (PM) and I always liked him a lot. His fiancee messaged me because I am on the top of his 'friends list' I think - don't really know what that means. For all I know that just means that I was one of the last people he added! I am very glad she is keeping me updated on his condition.

If it weren't for him the forum would have been gone a long time ago, in my opinion, and I have always been very grateful to him for keeping it going no matter what he had to put up with... so he is important to me. He was always there when I PMed him needing help with something.

Anyway... we did go to FIL's new apartment yesterday. It is very nice. I was a nervous wreck though because he does not believe in food allergies and had some nut candies out... though they were wrapped, DD2 and I were nervous that the place had not been cleaned very well and there could be residue all over the place. There were crumbs all over every surface in the kitchen and dining area - so I was a bit of a crazy woman with worry. All went ok though.

We are going to my mom's for dinner tonight and the kids will go in the pool. First we go to the cemetery. Today was my father's birthday.

What to do...

2009-06-28T10:11:00.006-04:00

I got some very upsetting news about an online friend. He is in a coma and has liver and kidney failure. I wish I could do more than just write to his fiancee, but there isn't anything I can do. Half of my "followers" know this person (go check your PM on Yuku).

Gosh, that must really suck being halfway around the world from your fiancee and he is critically sick like that and not being able to do anything but wait for someone to call!!! I feel really bad for her.

Here on the home front, DD2 is still dizzy, but not as bad as yesterday. We are supposed to go to FIL's new apartment today. DH wants to go anyway, no matter who is sick, etc. I really do NOT think it is a good idea to expose a 74 year old man who is nowhere near in the best of health to a virus that is going to make him dizzy! I am not being selfish here. I am being practical, I think. I do not understand DH's line of thinking on this. I know he wants us to see his father because he thinks his father is not well at all and won't be around much longer... but GIVING him a virus is not the answer to that!

I am calling FIL to give him an update on DD2's condition this morning and let him decide. Then it is not my decision... though if he catches it and falls down I will still feel guilty for the rest of my life... and probably get blamed by the whole family forever. That would be fun (not). I hope he decides to put it off till next week!

Inner ear / Vestibular virus

2009-06-27T12:54:00.005-04:00

Dizzy and a bit nauseous... that is what DD2 is feeling. I called to make an appt with the pediatrician and she's out for the week. Wonderful. The associate called me back, but he is already double booked for the entire week.

He said there are two vestibular things going around - one is a virus that affects the vestibular system but is VERY bad where the person is so dizzy that they say it is like the room is spinning constantly they are vomiting very often and cannot keep anything down.

I told him she doesn't have that, she is dizzy on and off and it seems like it is worse in the morning so the inner ear must have a lot of fluid in it that drains partially after she is upright for a while. She is nauseous but eating some and drinking and keeping it down. She is afraid to eat normally, but that is more the vomit-phobia than because of the illness.

He says that is the other one that is going around, and of course there is nothing they can do about it other than antihistamines (virus = no antibiotics) - and she is already on Zyrtec. He usually puts them on a stronger antihistamine but he says that might work - but it is not. I am thinking of trying to give her Benadryl on top of the Zyrtec to see if that helps if this continues and if that does help, then calling him back and getting the stronger antihistamine prescription.

He says make sure she is drinking a lot and resting... no running around or riding bikes or playing much, that sort of thing. REST!

She is not very happy about that, but she is also not happy about being dizzy - so she is trying to cooperate.

Unfortunately, this is contagious, so it seems our plans for the weekend are cancelled.

MIL was supposed to come today and DH and I were going to the diner for eggs (the only place I actually LIKE to go out to eat because it is fast and cheap and nobody bothers us and... well... the only place I can have EGGS!!!). So I'm a bit disappointed about this one.

We are supposed to go to FIL's new apartment tomorrow, but I'm not sure that is a good idea.

I would send DH with DD1 and DS tomorrow, but what if they are already infected with this? The most contagious time for a virus is usually before the person actually knows they have it. I really don't want to take a chance.

All of the grandparents live alone now, are in their 60's and 70's... and giving them some virus that is going to make them very dizzy and possibly fall and break bones is NOT a good idea!!! Bones get so fragile as we get older... and MIL's husband died last Christmas as a result of complications from a broken hip. I refuse to be responsible for that happening to anyone else.

I know DH and his father will be angry at me. But how can I take the kids over there knowing this is in the house? I just cannot. I would never forgive myself if something happened because of a virus I knew we could be passing on to them!

Anyway... I am completely exhausted for no reason again. I'm talking "hardly able to hold up my arms to type" exhausted. I fell asleep playing a card game with DD2 earlier. Am I getting sick again? Ugh! What do I expect, I actually had a whole day twice this week that I was feeling halfway decent (not in a row - one was earlier in the week then DH brought home a quick stomach virus which I caught, then yesterday I was feeling pretty good though tired) - so of course I'm getting sick again. I'm not allowed to be well anymore.

Grump, grump, grump and depressed... that's me.

I was going to post a poem I wrote on my other blog because I'm feeling like that right now, but I think I might have deleted it from my computer. I had posted it to a depression/anxiety group a long time ago and possibly thought I could always go back there and copy it, but MSN closed all their groups so it is gone.

I have written a total of 2 poems in my lifetime. One about depression and one in response to an Aspie tween who was having a hard time with his peers. I cannot find either.

Last day of 3rd grade

2009-06-26T18:33:00.015-04:00

(This was written Friday, but the power went out before I could finish - glad this was saved! If I keep switching from 'today' to 'yesterday' sorry! All this happened on Friday)

It is over! Third grade is over! YAY! Any time to myself is over too... boooooo...

DD2 was sick today. Poor kid! I felt so bad for her - she wanted so much to go in on the last day. She woke up very, very dizzy and nauseous. She couldn't even move her head. I think it was the weather - she has very bad sinuses (got them from me) and we had some severe thunderstorms pass through this morning. They always get me, too. I think she needs to go to the doctor about this since she did not have it nearly this bad before her birthday and now it is pretty bad.

So, DD1 and DS went to school for 2 hours, and DD2 was well enough at that point to go with me to pick them up. She stood outside yelling the countdown (600+ kids screaming "10, 9, 8... 1... it's summer!") with the kids inside - as a matter of fact a couple of kids stood at the window to count with her which I thought was very nice!

There is a tradition at the school where all the teachers stand outside and wave 'goodbye' with white hanky in hand to the buses on the last day of school. We have participated in this every year, even though DD1 and I usually get a rash from the sun. Today it was raining and we were covered and had 2 umbrellas up, but my UV beads were still showing some UV light coming through, so I'm watching DD1 for a reaction. (Added Saturday - neither of us had a reaction - yippee!)

There was one mini-bus that was still there after all the big buses left... the mini-buses are for the special education kids usually, or ones who broke a leg, etc. The kid looked like a kindergartner and I overheard someone say he was in the bathroom and that is why he was late getting on the bus.

After the big buses left, and every single one of the teachers started walking back into the school even though they were still strapping the kid into the little bus.

I WAS VERY ANGRY!

What was this... THIS kid does not matter because he is special ed???

So I yelled at the teachers! ROFL! ALL of them. Sooooo unlike me...

I screamed, "HEY TEACHERS! There is still a bus here!!! Aren't you going to wave?"

They are lucky I didn't say anything worse! I sure was thinking a LOT worse.

Some of them came back, but more than half continued on into the school. Probably all that kid saw when the bus was pulling away was the mass of teachers' backs as they walked back into the school... not the few who stayed along the curb. I feel like commending the ones who did stay - but you know what? NONE of them would have stayed if *I* had not yelled at them! Not one.

I SHOULD have gone in after them and asked them "What if 20 or 30 or 40 years ago that was YOU on that bus and all the teachers waved to every other child in the school except YOU? Think about how that would have made YOU feel?"

But I don't think that fast. It took me a couple of hours to come up with that. Gads I wish I could think that fast!

I was one of those kids who was always made to feel unimportant and flawed by teachers. They made fun of me for my reading disabilities and coordination issues, right in front of all the other kids - and never provided any help. They encouraged the other kids to tease me about these problems, not only by doing it themselves. I have a 'problem' with teachers... I admit it!

But this was inexcusable. How much longer did it take to wave to that bus? One minute on the outside, probably more like 30 seconds.

They are selfish beings, just like the rest of the world. Teachers are supposed to get into this business because they CARE about kids. Not because they have summers off and want to start the summer 30 seconds earlier.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

The triplets got their report cards and they did very well. Everyone is advancing to 4th grade (though do NOT mention 4th grad in my house till the end of August of DD1 will have a meltdown)

DH had ended up staying home from work yesterday. I took advantage of this and took a short nap then went food shopping (yay, not with the crowds on the weekend!)

Now, when I go food shopping, I like to go the same way every time... but this changes if I look down an aisle and there are people - I will usually go down the next empty aisle first. I just want to be left alone, people, please. This has bad points because if I don't go down the aisle in order, I usually forget things... but it beats the panic attacks from being around people.

At the food store, I must have had on my "Old men talk to me, please!" face. They seemed to seek me out and follow me around and want to talk. UGH! Why??? Why??? I just don't understand!!!

One of them just kept telling me that he is glad he doesn't have to pay for all that food. OK, fine, leave me alone now. But he didn't. He kept coming after me and saying it over and over. Then he sat on the bench at the end of my checkout line and talked at me the whole time about how much food I was buying and other stuff.

I wish I was a rude person. I am too nice. I really would like to be rude sometimes and be able to escape people... but I had it DRILLED into my brain so many times while growing up to "try to feel what the other person is feeling", "put yourself in their shoes", "imagine yourself in their situation", "would you like it if someone did/said that to you?", "Do unto others as you would have done to you"... I cannot be rude to people. I cannot be nasty... because "NO I would not like it if someone did/said that to me."

I don't know how to get out of these situations without being nasty... so I just end up staying in them and suffer. I wanted to scream "LEAVE ME ALONE!" But no, I cannot do that. So I smiled and said nothing to most of these people.

Once I said something about the one guy's life not being boring, which I was proud of myself for thinking that quickly to be able to say. That was the first guy... who caught me the moment I walked through the door, I mean I was only about 3 feet away from it... after that I HAD my fill of social contact for the shopping trip, but then the other old men came after me.

Maybe I should get a t-shirt made up that says "I'm grumpy today, leave me alone" and wear it to the food store? lol

2nd to last day of school... and babbling...

2009-06-25T12:29:00.017-04:00

Second to last day of school is officially over now. They went in for a little under 2 hours. What a waste of time and money and gas to have something like 10 buses to spend more time picking up and dropping the kids off than they spent at school - and that is just our elementary... there are 6 other elementary schools in the district, 2 middle schools and one high school (though when you look up my district it says there are 11 schools, I cannot figure out what they are talking about). All that rushing to do nothing and rush everyone home. The kids did nothing but a craft and played games.

THAT is where my taxes are going - that and teacher's salaries (the US national average salary for teachers is around $41,000 - our school district's average salary is around $100,000 and that does NOT include full heath insurance and all the other perks).

There is only a $30,000 budget line for textbooks for almost 9000 students. Yeah, that makes sense (sarcasm). Everything is dittos - the teachers complain about having to take money out of their $100,000 and buy ONE textbook so they can make copies... poor teachers. There is no money left over after salaries for BOOKS!!! Heaven forbid we have more than a couple of snowy days and they need extra rock salt to melt the ice on the walkways - that does NOT happen - the kids have to walk on ice.

Of course, the whole reason for these "half days" is to get as many warm bodies into the school as possible for the minimum amount of time required so the district can get federal funding for the day.

And the kids love these last couple of days because they don't have to do any work. The school will send report cards home with the kids tomorrow, so they have to go in to get them!

I don't know about anyone else, but *I* remember REVIEWING the year's work up to the last minute of my last day of school every year. They don't know what that word means at our district.

One more 2-hour day then I will stop complaining about this for at least a month, I promise! ROFL! Well, at least not until my kids' "No Child Left Behind" test results come in the mail, which I'm told should be sometime over the summer. If that happens in July, I reserve the right to renege on that promise lol.

Anyway, yesterday I was feeling a whole lot better, but today is a different story. I was crying earlier... and I don't cry very much, believe me it takes a LOT to make me cry. I cannot stand being sick all the time anymore. I was supposed to go to the food store today while the kids were in school but I had to stay close to the bathroom again instead. I guess the kids will have spaghetti tonight! They won't mind. DH will though! Oh well. He is already mad at me for being sick for such a long time (like I am doing this on purpose?) so what difference does it make if he is mad at me for not having anything better in the house to cook than spaghetti for dinner.

He needs the tomatoes anyway to help try to prevent prostate cancer - which btw all the men on his father's side have died of. His mother's side mostly die of heart problems, which he already has, too. He's got stents in there already - about 3 years now. If he had not gone to get the stress test the day he did, he would have died, as he was 99% blocked in 2 arteries and 90% in another one.

Probably part of the reason I'm so ready to cry today is my dad's birthday is on Monday. That is the day everything went to sh*t for him 2 years ago. My DH was in the hospital that day with a heart scare and my mom was here watching the kids while I went to visit him... then when I got home from the hospital my mom RUSHED out of here but would not tell me why... turns out my Dad had turned yellow at home while I was out... on his 65th birthday... then my mom took him to the hospital and they found out about the pancreatic cancer, which had already spread to his liver and gall bladder and... well... all over... and that was the beginning of the end.

Probably part of the reason I'm so tired is because I'm spiraling down into that deep depression I go into sometimes.

I guess I should get going on the stuff-I-need-to-do-and-am-so-tired-I-don't-think-I-CAN-possibly-do-but-have-to-do. It is just so nice to sit here, though. A nap would be nice. Oh well.

Have a nice day!

Last week of school - bittersweet

2009-06-22T12:23:00.003-04:00

Sweet...

Ahhhhh... relief... only 5 more days of school including today...
Starting Friday at noon... 11 weeks of not having to worry about any of this crap with the teachers, principal, school district - no fighting with any of them!
No worrying about the kids catching all the germs going around the school (and yes, there are cases of swine flu - we've been getting calls about them, but they won't close the school).
No more worrying about fire drills and if DD1 will be protected well enough.
No more worrying about someone who just had peanut butter using the computer (or enter anything else you can think of) before DD2 and the teacher didn't wipe it off well enough.
No more jumping at the sight of the school's phone number coming up on caller ID and wondering which child might be dying of an anaphylactic reaction.
No more worrying that DS will stick his hands in his mouth or forget to use his wipes before eating.
A chance to do some fun things with the kids and spend time with the grandmothers.
DH will take some days off and we will go to some indoor places like the aquarium. We will have some fun (well planned out and with lots of notice)!

Bitter...

ACK!!! ACCCCKKKKKK!!!! No, no, no NOOOOO! Only 5 more days of school...
Only 5 more days of having a little time to myself, then 11 weeks of absolutely ZERO time to myself!!!
No more quiet time FOR ELEVEN WEEKS.
Constant fighting and trying to keep the kids busy till they are able to go outside when DD1 can handle the sunlight.
CONSTANT interruptions any time I try to do anything at all.
No more taking a shower without having to wait for DH to come home.
No more food shopping in the off hours when they are empty - only weekend food shopping from now on when every aisle is packed with people. I hate people!
Questions... lots of questions...

When do I start writing the letters to the NEW teachers for next year?
What if they don't take these allergies seriously?
What should I say differently from last year to get them to understand this stuff before any mishaps occur?
Will the new teachers know anything about autism?
Will they understand what they need to do to accomodate my kids for their autism even though the district refuses to put this stuff in their 504 plans?
Will DS totally fail 4th grade since his 3rd grade teacher was a complete slack-off?

Haglund's Deformity and children and infertility and bad genes...

2009-06-20T10:22:00.005-04:00

Ugh! DD2's Haglund's Deformity has been acting up BIG TIME since field day. She had to wear closed backed shoes for 2 hours (more probably) that day. The bursitis is pretty bad and it hurts even to put ice on it. It seems the front of her foot is sore now, too, probably from the way she's been walking to help take some pressure off the back. I don't know what to do anymore.

Any time it is time to play she says it feels better (lol). But the rest of the time she whines and whines and whines. She does not feel pain in some parts of her body and in other parts any tiny amount of pain feels like she is dying, I have figured out.

Hit her in the head, no problem. Foot? YIKES!

Why did she had to inherit my Haglund's Deformity?

Sometimes I wonder if I had such trouble with infertility for this reason. Was that nature's way of saying "You should not have children and pass all these weird things on to them!"

Not that I regret having the triplets - I just feel very guilty that they had to inherit all this stuff from me.

Acne, anxiety, asthma, auditory processing disorder, autism, demographic urticaria, dyspraxia, eczema, endocrine problems, environmental allergies, food allergies, Haglund's Deformity, migraines, pressure urticaria, polymorphic light eruption (PMLE), sinus problems, sensory processing disorder, solar urticaria... I gave them all to them and they seem to have them worse than I do.

They only just turned 9 and they have all these problems already!

What else is coming? I don't know. I'm afraid to ask. I'm afraid to think about it.

My genes are bad.

Second to last week of school... first science quiz!

2009-06-19T14:19:00.005-04:00

Well, I guess parents of other kids in DS's class must have complained about these kids not having any tests or quizzes this year. OH BOY are DS and his classmates going to be ill prepared for 4th grade!

Anyway, the teacher gave a science quiz yesterday. I asked how he thinks he did and he said, "Good, the teacher gave us the answers!"

His sisters chimed in - did he write them on the board? No, he gave the answers on a separate piece of paper.

(My thougts during this exchange - which could be thrown away and nobody could see from the hallway ;) and ALL the students will do so WELL on that he can send them home to show "See, I really did do quizzes and they all did very well!")

Wow, his sisters said, he was lucky.

My take on it is - NO he is not lucky. He had 2 quizzes this year, one math quiz in the beginning of school which DS failed miserably (and the teacher never did send home even though I asked him to in multiple communications and varying MODES of communication) and one science quiz at the end of the year, which he had all the answers for. Fourth grade is NOT going to be like this!

Unbelievable!

5 more days... 5 more days...

Today, in the world of visual problems... I was driving and stopped at a traffic light. We have a very bright white cloud cover. The sky suddenly started flashing black/white/black/white/black/white. JUST the sky, nothing else. I was looking at buildings and they were not flashing at all. It stopped before the traffic light turned green, thankfully.

I'm guessing this was afterimages - but I've never had negative after images WHILE looking at the thing before!

This is getting very scary.

Still alive!

2009-06-18T10:54:00.004-04:00

Yep, I'm still here. The stomach portion of this 'whatever-this-is-I have" seems to have passed pretty quickly, about 12 hours thankfully! I kept down all the hydrocortisone, though I never worked up the nerve to start taking the antibiotic until today (that bothers my stomach, too). Beginning the antibiotic yesterday would have been better timing, since I woke up with my chest a lot worse than it was yesterday - but today is better than tomorrow lol.

My visuals keep getting worse, though. Maybe this virus is attacking my optic nerves or my brain. Or maybe this would have happened anyway even if I was not sick. I guess I'll see what happens once I get well (I have either been sick or recovering for months now!) then make an appt with someone if this is still worse. It is time to go back to the retina/vitreous specialist anyway (actually about 2 years past time lol).

Yesterday my snow suddenly got extremely thick and started all pulsing together. Usually it is more like this when it pulses (it alternates) but it started to all pulse at the same time (those are not the right settings btw, just tring to show the alternating pulse, though it got thicker than that when this happened). It was very frightening! It went away in about 10-15 minutes, though - which is great! It wasn't a manifestation of Blue Field Entoptic Phenomena either - believe me I know what that looks like lol. Completely different.

I am not looking forward to more of this... hope any more visual changes are for the better!

You might be an Aspie if...

2009-06-17T16:12:00.003-04:00

http://www.geocities.com/autistry/YMBAAI.html

I fit into soooo many of the ones I've read so far! It gives me some ideas for posts on either this or my other blog, too.

Enjoy!

PS - I'm still alive lol

Oh gee...

2009-06-17T10:31:00.006-04:00

I seemed to have either picked up a stomach virus at the doctor's office yesterday, or this is turning into a much worse virus than it already was. It hit me like a truck about 2 hours after I woke up this morning.

Personally I suspect the former, no matter how careful I was to avoid touching anything or touching any mucous membranes before I could wash up VERY well (and use hand wipes several times!), there was a woman in the waiting room who was "coughing up a lung" (as my husband would say) and the air conditioning was broken leaving the waiting room hot as hell - a perfect breeding ground for germs. H1N1 (swine flu) is transmitted through contact and air particles (every time the person coughs or sneezes they send out a large cloud of germs contaminating the air all around them).

H1N1 is now at pandemic levels on Long Island, with 2 deaths not too far away from me. These people had "complications due to underlying medical conditions" and they are blaming their deaths on the complications, not the flu. Well, I have asthma and adrenal insufficiency - and yeah they would be considered "underlying medical conditions" that's for sure!

Those who know me also know that I have a phobia to vomiting, which does not come in handy with stomach viruses! I haven't yet, though I've spent most of the morning in the bathroom, but sure do feel like it is coming on soon! I will usually fight it till the last possible second, if at all possible. So I'm an anxious mess as well as feeling very sick.

The biggest problem with this is that it is now time for me to take my hydrocortisone. Stomach viruses are very dangerous for people who have adrenal insufficiency. If I cannot keep this down, then my endocrinologist tells me I MUST admit myself into the hospital for an IV of hydrocortisone or end up in adrenal crisis - which basically can end in death. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

So here I go... taking the hydrocortisone... which is supposed to be doubled because I am sick but I'm not doubling it since even my normal dose makes me nauseous... but at least I'll have SOME in my system... if I can keep this down I will try to take the second dose in a little while.

Wish me luck!

Basically this post was written so that if I never post again, you'll know why.

My doctor appointment

2009-06-16T14:22:00.003-04:00

It seems I don't have strep (at least the rapid test didn't show it), and feels the throat thing is a virus or from allergies... but she gave me antibiotics anyway because I have bronchitis... again.

I got a copy of my blood test results. They are very weird, and the doctors did not tell me a lot of the stuff on here. Though 'weird' should be expected for me, lol.

Some of the results are very contradictory, for example if X is low, Y is supposed to be high... but both X and Y are low.

I find it strange, and interesting, that they actually put on the reference range notes that B12 within a certain range (and of course, mine are in that range) even though it is considered 'normal', neuropsychiatric abnormalities may occur and if they do then it needs to be higher. I can confidently state that my neuropsychiatric abnormalities have not gotten worse since my B12 was normal. LOL! Though my visual snow has.

I just hope it was not the doxycycline that made my visual snow worse last time I took it, because I am about to take it again!

My endocrinologist wants me on B12 anyway, and I can see why when I read up on some of the other low tests.

Now I just need to figure out when to take all these new pills. If you've been reading my blog in the past, you know I have a phobia of taking new medications... so this is a problem...

"Hello" in different cultures in the year 1881

2009-06-15T08:10:00.002-04:00

It seems that we have the Germans to thank for the "How are you?" ritual... but there were some other hello rituals that were quite a bit more odd in 1881...

From my Page-A-Day Calendar E-Mail Edition:

The 1881 etiquette manual Our Deportment by John H. Young offers an amusing (if somewhat credulous) guide to the methods of greeting used in some foreign lands:

In SOUTHERN AFRICA, it is the custom to rub toes.
In LAPLAND, your friend rubs his nose against yours.
The TURK folds his arms upon his breast and bends head very low.
The MOORS OF MOROCCO have a somewhat startling mode of salutation: they ride at a gallop toward a stranger, as though they would unhorse him, and when close at hand suddenly check their horse and fire a pistol over the person’s head.
The EGYPTIAN asks you, “How do you perspire?” letting his hand fall to the knee.
The CHINESE bows low and inquires, “Have you eaten?”
The SPANIARD says, “God be with you, sir,” or, “How do you stand?”
And the NEAPOLITAN piously remarks, “Grow in holiness.”
The GERMAN asks, “How goes it with you?”
The FRENCHMAN bows profoundly and inquires, “How do you carry yourself?”

Yankees game and I'm really sick now

2009-06-14T09:58:00.004-04:00

DS and DH are off to the Yankee vs Mets game - the "Subway Series". If you don't know, both baseball teams are based in New York City.

There was much excitement this morning, at least on DS's part... actually there has been much excitement on DS's part for months! I don't think DH is looking forward to it at all, but his brother and nephew came into town from Texas for the game, and his father and cousin are all going.

The tickets were very, very expensive!!! I think they are all nuts for paying this much money for tickets, but who am I? Nobody, that's who. Those tickets would have paid for a lot of groceries!

There is much anxiety on my part because of DS's food allergies and asthma. He cannot eat anything at the game except for popcorn, and they will be in the stadium for about 6-7 hours (heaven forbid they go into overtime!). I packed him sandwiches and drinks for the van, and told him even if he eats a sandwich on the way there, he MUST eat another one when they get to the parking lot. That is a long time for him to go without eating. I wish they were allowed to bring a sandwich into the stadium.

They went last year to this game and the security team gave DH a difficult time about the epipens and inhaler... that is ridiculous in my opinion. They had better not give him a hard time this year. I told DH that if they want to take them, they have to post an Emergency Medical Technician with them!

I hate this. DS will have a great time, though, I am absolutely sure! He has been watching every game on TV that he can and loves it. He has all the players' names memorized and some stats.

Anyway... so today I'm really sick. My throat feels like I have 2 bullfrogs stuck in there and hurts like heck. My nose is all stuffed up now. I think I am working on a migraine and should not be on the computer to be honest. This light is killing me. I am completely exhausted.

I'm going to have to make the girls go hang out in their room for a while and take a nap I guess. So much for my "DS is doing something special so we will do something special too" idea. I'm not doing anything today!

My visual snow is worse today and I can only hope that it is a result of this illness and will get better when it is over. It had suddenly gotten worse a few weeks ago when I was sick (in fact I thought it might be the antibiotic I was on) and then stayed... now it got worse again.

This is strange because I've had visual snow (VS) for as long as I can remember. I've been sick - oh gosh - probably thousands of times in my lifetime. I get sick a LOT and always have. This has never happened with the VS before. It has gotten worse through the years, but so gradually that I need to re-take the simulation test to notice it. Now I've had two jumps in a couple of months? What has changed???

I guess a lot has changed over the years. I now have many conditions I did not have when I was younger. But something big must have changed in the past 2 months.

My brain is starting to turn to mush and I cannot think anymore and I'm starting to have trouble thinking of what words I need to type... so yeah I think this is a migraine coming. I had better shut this thing off.

Have a nice day!

612 and today

2009-06-13T09:56:00.005-04:00

I was in a really rotten mood yesterday. It is probably because it was 6/12 (which to most of the world is 12/6, but that defeats the purpose of that being the reason).

Maybe someday I will understand the reason why the number 612 is so disturbing to me, but I do not now. I fear it. I dread it. It makes me feel like I will die. It makes me very depressed.

It is not only the date, it is the time as well. If I see the clock say 6:12, the same thing happens. When younger I used to wake up at exactly 6:12 every morning, no matter what time my alarm clock was set for. Try starting your day off in that kind of a mood EVERY day...

I hate not knowing why.

It has to be something that has been locked away in my mind and I am not ready to face yet.

I used to have the same panicked and depressed feeling for reasons unknown to me when anyone said "Boys will be boys". Then one day my grandma brought up something that happened to me and the psychological door that had been shut and locked on that particular memory opened up and the memory came back:

Short version:
My sister, a neighbor and I were at the school playground during the summer on the swings. My sister was having trouble on the swing, so I was pushing her. Some boys came along and tied us up and were saying they were going to rape us. Somehow I got out of the ropes and went for help. When their parents were contacted, the father of one of the boys said, "Boys will be boys"

After the flood gates were open to that particular memory, I have been able to deal with that phrase... though I'm still not happy with it! But at least it finally MADE SENSE!

What is it with 612, though? I don't know. I might never know...

Anyway, today (6/13) my mood is worse. There was a bit of a problem last night and I'm sure that has something to do with it.

I feel useless and evil and ugly and disgusting and other stuff I cannot even find the words for.

I just want to stay home today and stay in bed.

We are supposed to go to, well the plans have changed so many times for today it is ridiculous... but right now it is set for MIL's house. DH's brother (BIL) and his son are in town. I have baked a cake and we all will sing Happy Birthday to the triplets and to Nephew since tomorrow is his birthday.

But this mood has put me into such an antisocial frame of mind that I really think it would be best for me to stay home. I am going to say or do something I will regret for the rest of my life, I know it.

Lately MIL has been saying things to me that first get me extremely anxious and put me into a "flight" mode, then end up with me diving into a bottomless depression every time I see her... and I just KNOW this will happen again today... and hope I can handle it.

FIL and his girlfriend and cousins will be there, too. They usually treat me like I don't exist and it makes me feel very depressed every time I am with them.

The problem with BIL last night, well that is going to make things difficult.

BUT... the triplets would be very disappointed if I missed what seems to be their only birthday party this year, though.

So I guess I will go and try to keep my mouth shut... which will be very difficult.

And take a Xanax before we leave.

Panic Disorder and baseball

2009-06-11T14:32:00.005-04:00

Oh, my usual posting screen is back - very weird!

Last night I was outside with the kiddos making sure they don't get hit by any of the speeding cars in the area and they obey the rules of riding their bikes in the street (gads I wish we had sidewalks!).

DS wanted me to pitch him some balls to hit, so I comply because he just LOVES baseball and cannot play since DD1 and I cannot be sitting out in the sun during his practices and games. I was trying to keep an eye on the girls while pitching to him, so I was quite distracted.

Now, you have to understand that I cannot throw a ball to save my life, even if I AM concentrating. I stand pretty darn close to him so maybe it will get within an area that it is possible to hit with a bat. DS has to basically chase the ball and try to get to it in time to hit it, which is funny to watch I am sure. At least he gets some extra exercise lol.

DS has a really great swing, though he would not be able to play well since he cannot really run well. He hits the ball very hard, though, and it often goes way down the block. He is also a big kid for a just-turned-9-year-old.

The timer rang and I was busy telling the girls to come in when DS asked me to throw it one more time. As I'm sort of throwing the ball, I see the girls are sitting on their bikes in the middle of the street, so I turn to tell them "Get out of the street!" and DS hits it harder than he has ever hit the ball before trying for a 'home run'...

And the ball hits me.

Direct hit to the upper portion of the left side of my chest.

Now, probably if I had not panicked everything would have been fine. But as I was screaming in pain, it felt like my heart was fibrilating. I could not find a pulse to see how fast it was going, which in my mind sealed in stone that I am in fibrilation. Panicked thoughts of why they have defibrilators on baseballs fields and stories of kids dying before a defibrilator could be gotten were flying though my mind, while the logical side of me was trying desperately to convince the emotional side that I am NOT dying - just go do something 'normal' and everything will get better.

Me being me, I don't call an ambulance... I try to listen to the logical side and ignore all this and tell the kids, "Mommy is hurt, we are going inside NOW!" while my neighbor is rushing over to ask if she should call an ambulance. I am guessing she had the same thoughts as I did (or maybe it was the pain filled screaming and the fact that I was holding my chest as if I were about to die?).

Amazingly enough, the girls didn't even notice any of this. DS barely did.

Inside, I continue on with the internal debate from two paragraphs above while I did what I would normally do at that time and got the kids their snack.

The panicked side of me took over, though. I was able to find a pulse after a while and I realized that even if I'm not fibrilating, this panic attack is going to cause a stroke (I had a mild panic attack at the docs once and my blood pressure went up so high that she said if I don't start taking somethign for the panic attacks, I would have a stroke during one of them soon) so I ended up taking a Xanax.

Eventually, I calmed down and realized if I had been in fibrilation for that long, I would be dead by now. It had to be a panic attack. So I'm ok... and the night went on as it usually does.

I'm just really bruised and hurting today.

New posting screen... Microwaves... The rigidness of Autism... Field day

2009-06-11T11:29:00.002-04:00

Oh, this 'new post' screen has changed. Weird, but cool. It has a "post date and time" feature now, and lets me select whether to allow comments or not. I was wondering why other people were saying they could select a time/date to post. I guess I got this feature later than others did? But I cannot preview anymore, nor can I change the font or enter pictures or edit the HTML (not that I really know what I'm doing with that anyway). Hmmm... some of the other features I used to have are gone now too.

The other day our microwave began to turn on when we opened the door and turn off when we closed the door! We have no idea whether it was just the turntable or if the actual microwaves were bouncing around our kitchen (and who knows where else) when this happened. The strange thing is that most of the time it worked normally... but we didn't want the family getting irradiated, so I got a new one yesterday and just set it up this morning.

It is bigger than the old one, so that might create some problems with the kids who have to have everything exactly the same all the time. Gosh, I remember when we got a new phone when the kids were about 4... DS (before fluent speech) spent all his waking hours for 2 weeks looking at it and screaming "phone!" over and over.

In his room he still has to have everything exactly the same. One centimeter off and there is major trouble, but he does seem to be accepting changes outside his room better than he used to.

The girls used to be the same way about their rooms, but they are better than they were before.

I guess you can see by the way I began this posting about how I feel about changes lol.

Especially DD2 - gads she was the worst with this. DD1 still has the most problems with this, even worse than DS, but not with things - with routine. If the routine goes off by a couple of minutes, she can have some major problems, which makes her school day go very badly sometimes.

I had written down what our 'good night' ritual was a few years ago when I doctor asked me to give him an example of the kids' rituals... someday I will post it here. We still have a long, involved ritual at night but the old version used to take up to 2 hours if anyone was anxious! And usually someone was anxious. Just saying good night was exhausting!

I understand all this, having Aspergers and OCD myself. The biggest problem for me is when one person's rituals interfere with another person's rituals (especially if it interferes with MINE lol). Even though I understand it, it all still can be frustrating for me when someone needs to go on waaaay past the normal number of times we need to repeat things.

Anyway... on to field day. It is today. All three kids are very excited, but DD1 is really glowing today! It is the first field day she can participate in! It was raining this morning and DD1 was in her glory hoping it would rain all day and they could have the entire field day inside! DS and DD2 even got in on wishing it would rain for field day! I thought that was very nice of them.

It has stopped raining, though. Ugh! So... everyone please hope it starts raining again around 12:30pm New York time!

504 Plans are SUPPOSED to be confidential!

2009-06-09T11:30:00.004-04:00

Ok, so yeah the school did something right with field day. They are doing some of the activities indoors to comply with DD1's 504 plan so she can participate...

But at least one of the teachers (not in our grade even!) is telling everyone that the reason the parents are not invited to field day is because of DD1's 504 plan and that they are being forced to do some of the activities indoors!

This is so wrong on so many levels...

This teacher was DD1's first grade teacher - and SAW for herself a mild reaction that DD1 had which lasted for almost 2 weeks! She saw how all the kids treated her because she had this rash and saw what she looked like with the reaction. Why would she do this???

I never asked them to do field day indoors. I asked them about PE, but not field day. I never FORCED them to do this with field day... though if I had made a complaint to the Office of Civil Rights (OCR - which is the federal gov't branch that enforces 504 plans) they would have forced them to do this (they told me so when I called for information a couple of years ago). However, I never did make a complaint.

504 plans are supposed to be confidential, not the object of rumors started by teachers and passed on to parents!

Why are they blaming not allowing parents on this? They can make the parents wait outdoors if there is not enough room in the gym. There are only supposed to be a couple of events indoors, then the rest will be outdoors. Tell parents to show up a 1/2 hour later!

If they really do not want 3rd grade parents there because part of it will be indoors, why tell ALL grades that the parents are not allowed to come? They are just using this as an excuse not to have the parents there, IMO.

So now all my efforts with NOT wanting to report this school to OCR because I don't want the whole grade to be angry at DD1 are for nothing. Now I'm sure every parent in the 3rd grade will hear about this and tell their kids that they cannot come because of DD1 and there is going to be a lot of resentment. UGH!!!

Maybe I should start filing complaints with OCR from now on.

I hate gossip mongers. I hate people who cannot live by the rules. I hate that teacher.

Allergic to the sun

2009-06-08T14:27:00.002-04:00

News Video

This woman has SU (solar urticaria). I cannot help but feel empathy for this lady, but I am glad it goes away an hour later for her!

For DD1 and I, not only do we have SU, but we both have PMLE (polymorphic light eruption) as well. The PMLE doesn't go away for days, sometimes weeks.